The Dean
       Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
       Is more powerful than a locomotive
       Is faster than a speeding bullet
       Walks on water
       Gives policy to God

The Department Head
       Leaps short buildings in a single bound
       Is more powerful than a switch engine
       Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
       Walks on water if sea is calm
       Talks with God

Professor
       Leaps short buildings with a running start and favourable winds
       Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
       Is faster than a speeding BB
       Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
       Talks with God if special request is approved

Associate Professor
       Barely clears a Quonset hut
       Loses tug of war with locomotive
       Can fire a speeding bullet
       Swims well
       Is occasionally addressed by God

Assistant Professor
       Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
       Is run over by locomotives
       Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
       Talks to animals

Graduate Student
       Runs into buildings
       Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
       Is not issued ammunition
       Can stay afloat with a life jacket
       Talks to walls

Undergraduate Student
       Falls over doorstep when trying to enter building
       Says look at the choo-choo
       Wets himself with a water pistol
       Plays in mud puddles
       Mumbles to himself

Department Secretary
       Lifts buildings and walks under them
       Kicks locomotives off the tracks
       Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them
       Freezes water with a single glance
       She is God.