Funnies:

David vs. Lofwyr

FADE IN

DAVID PATH-ON-THE-PEAKS soars through astral space over Germany. He looks somewhat tired, having traveled through astral space for a couple of hours to get here.

DAVID (tiredly): “Four bottles of beer on the wall, four bottles of beer. You take one down and pass it around….”

SUDDENLY a massive dragon, wearing lederhosen, a monocle, and an alpine cap; and holding a 50 gallon stein of beer, appears out of nowhere.

DAVID: “Ack!”

LOFWYR: “Ach!”

DAVID: “Um… hi.”

LOFWYR: “Ya zo? Who iss you und vat iss you doink here?”

DAVID: “My name is Davi… I mean, I am known as Orca-Wolf, and I am here to check out the outbreak of VITAS.”

LOFWYR: “Vy for you vant to do a krazy ting like dat for?”

DAVID: “Because… because… ah…” (pulls himself visibly together) “because I am a shaman of Bear, a totem of healing. I seek to learn about this disease in order to…”

LOFWYR: “If you iss a shaman off Bear, how come you iss named Orca-Vulf?”

DAVID (defensively): “Orca-Wolf is a mighty spirit patron of the Makah people. He defends us both on land and at….”

LOFWYR: “If you iss Makah, how come you looks Chinese?”

(Pause)

DAVID: “It's complicated.”

LOFWYR: “Complicated? You vant complicated, you try bein’ a dragon! Now dot’s complicated, let me tell you. Ve is alvays plotten’ to take over da vorld, but for zome reason ve alvays haf to haf dese convoluted plots dot lazt centuries and…” (pauses, peers at David through monocle). “Hey, vait a minute! You has got zome kinda glamour on!” (Sniffs) “Unt I know dat magical scent… dot’s Guncledawn… I mean Zunkleprawn… I mean Dunklezahn! Vy da hell do ve alvays haf ta haf dese long, complex names anyvay? You vould tink we could make do vit short names like “Bob” und ‘Sue’ like everyvone else, but no, ve haf to haf dese schtupid names like… vait, DUNKLEZHAN? YOU VORK FOR DUNKLEZAHN?”

DAVID (sheepishly): “Is that a problem?”

LOFWYR: “Hoo ha! Iss dot a problem? You betcha dot’s a problem! Dot’s a ‘Mister Orka-Vulf is about ta become a beer zauzage’ sort of problem fer you pal!”

DAVID: “Doctor Orca-Wolf.”

LOFWYR (pauses as he lunges towards David). “Vot?”

DAVID: “DOCTOR Orca-Wolf, damnit! If you are going to eat me then at least get the title right!”

LOFWYR: “Ya vell Herr Doktor, its time fer you to ztart makin’ dem crunchin’ und screamin’ noises dot all good party znacks make und…vaitaminute here. Gott un himmel! You is David Path-On-Da-Peaks, dat guy wot let out VITAS III in Zeattle, ya?”

DAVID: “No!”

LOFWYR: “Hokay, den you iss a znack!”

DAVID: “Oops, sorry, I misspoke. I meant ‘yes’.”

LOFWYR: “Pleased to meet you! I admire your vork!”

DAVID (bewildered): “Thank you?”

LOFWYR: “Ya, iss not too often ve dragonss meet a human mit zuch zkill at cold blooded calculation! Release da virus und tezt out da cure. Genius! Unt Funklelawn, I mean Dunklezhan, vas lucky to vind you!”

DAVID: “Well, it wasn’t really me that did that….”

LOFWYR (waving stein): “It vas a pity dot vrame up of Herr Doktor McCoy didn’t vork out like you hoped it vould. He vas good vall guy!”

DAVID: “WHAT???!?!?”

LOFWYR: “Ya, he vas tellink me all about it de other day und…”

DAVID: “YOU KNOW WHERE THAT RAT BASTARD IS?????!?! WHERE??? WHERE!!!!!?”

LOFWYR (peers intently at David for a moment): “Don’t interrupt der dragon, boy. Is bad for health, ya? Not even Bear vix you up den, ya?”

DAVID: “Sorry.”

LOFWYR: “Anyvay kid, it vos nize meetink you, but I’m afraid I has got to be eatink you now. Nothing perzonal – itz a reputation ting, you know? ‘Vierce, nazty LOFWYR who never letz folks mezz mit his business.’ ‘Message to Hunkle… Bunklefa… to DUN-KEL-ZAWN (damnit!)’, dot sort of ting. Bye bye kid!”

DAVID: “You have plaque.”

LOFWYR (rolls eyes and sighs) “Vot?”

DAVID: “You have plaque. On your teeth. And it looks like a couple of cavities too.”

LOFWYR: “Zo? Dere’s ztill plenty to grind you up mit, ya?”

DAVID: “How long since you’ve been to a dentist?”

LOFWYR: “Nof uf your business!”

DAVID: “Seriously, how long?”

LOFWYR (mumbles something)

DAVID: “What?”

LOFWYR (sighs) “Four. Sousant. Years.”

DAVID (whistles): “I can fix that for you.”

LOFWYR: “No vay! You go pokin’ around in my mouth? Zat vil be da day!”

DAVID: “Come on – as a corporate CEO you need to have a good set of teeth for PR purposes.”

LOFWYR: “Ya, but den all da other dragonz vill laugh at me. No deal!”

DAVID: “I take client confidentiality very seriously. Its part of the Hyppocratic oath you know.”

LOFWYR (sheepishly): “Vil it hurt?”

DAVID: “Nope.”

LOFWYR: “Vell, hokay – just dis vonce – you clean der teeth – UND der gums – und vix up der cavities – und I let you live – unless you tell someone in vich case I vill hunt you down und eat you und all your vriends, vamily members, pets, und casual aquaintances.”

DAVID: “Sounds like a deal – I’ll even throw in a complementary toothbrush (though in this case I guess I should make it a push broom).”

FADE OUT