"I know, I know," he can be heard muttering, "'Come to the House,' that's what they'll say, an entire row of johns spitting out talking weenies that all want us to go party at The House... Quelle merde, non mais quelle merde..."
Eugene looks up from his half-demolished Kanga-Grinder and semi-warm can of Vitreous Kola at the flushing sound. He swallows what's in his mouth, turns to Chris and says, "Do you have those autoflush toilets with the heat sensors on them? If you do, I think there's a problem with the heating system. Damn things always creep me out, anyway... Oh, by the way, thanks for *urrp*, pardon me!, thanks for the food." He smacks his lips; the Vitreous Kola has an odd aftertaste to it. "By the way, what was... Leo... talking about with 'The House'? Heating problem? Well that is just zippy."
Long pause.
"Uh, the House? Don't know, has something to do with penises I think." Chris gets up to go to the facilities. The bull slaughtering scene from Apocalypse Now springs unbidden to his mind. He shakes it off.
Eugene scowls and goes back to his Kanga-Grinder. He had no idea Leo was that way! Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course, but still... Oh, well, let's see if there's another can of Vitreous around! After finishing off the second can of Vitreous Kola, he looks around for thelady doctor. Assuming he finds her, he says, "Uh, ma'am, I was wondering if you'd look at the back of my head. I got clocked by a jerk with a baton and I was wondering if I might have a concussion or something."
After pausing for a moment, KK just shrugs. He's not a plumber. Instead he turns to Harvey, showing him the bottle of pills he got from the Kwik Klinik as well as the almost empty bottle of SHIAVIT orange soda.
"You're a doctor, right? You know if it's dangerous to mix these two? I saw some orange colors around people, you know. It was weird. But it felt good... you know."
Harvey says "I'm not entirely sure, what are these pills anyway? You say they made you see orange lights? Can I see the bottle the pills come in?"
"If you go to the Kwik Klinik you can. Doctor Toropov told me the name of the drug, but I forgot. Just thought you might know a thing or two. Or make some tests or so. And it wasn't orange lights really, it was more like an orange glow around you people. And the flames..."
For a brief moment KK pauses to think about what he should say about the flames that doesn't make him out to be a pyromaniac. But alas, the combination of painkillers and a full belly is a powerful one, so at the moment KK's mind is too content to come up with any clever ideas or new insights. Maybe it's just as well.
"Aw, it's probably nothing...", KK says with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Just thought you might be interested in stuff like that."
Harvey says, "I'm not entirely sure, what are these pills anyway? You say they made you see orange lights? Can I see the bottle the pills come in?"
The pills are percodan. Harvey says, "how many of these have you been taking? It might be the volume rather than the mixing." He carries on, "So is anyone investigating this house people keep getting invited to? Ingar?"
Sam babbles in his unrestful sleep: "Roses are red, Violets are blue,
Im a Schizophrenic and so am I. How about a new teddy for Marda?
Dont forget to jump up and down on it a few thousand times so it looks
like the old one. Hey there Nigel ol'chap. The Sir Arthur Compton's
social event is going to be quite smashing this year, eh ol'bean?"
His voice trails off in a meaningless stream.
The dog stands in the middle of the floor; rigid, unmoving...except for the wide open eyes that are looking confusedly around. The eyes lock on the new comers, but the dog still doesn't move. It watches every move the men make.
Chris turns and heads away from the head, whistling a happy tune.
The dog's eyes flick towards the man that leaves, but quickly return to the man still standing there. It has a thick brown leather collar, that is almost lost in the thick fur around his neck and chest. Dangling from the collar is a purple metal tag.
Leo looks at the dog with a certain wariness. It is a large, powerful dog after all, and he appeared in weird circumstances. Presumably the same weirdness which brought Sam, Marda, and a chunk of real estate.
"Hey, Chris," he calls to the departing proprietor, "was it like that with the platypus?" But no, didn't Chris say that the poor platypus was dead and stuffed up a kitchen fan vent? Leo crouches and extends a careful hand toward the Akita, letting the dog sniff it. "Hi, furry one," he says in a quiet voice. "Are you okay? No, you don't look okay. We've all had a rough day, huh? Poor thing, you got zapped by the same thing, uh? At least you're not stuck in a pinsetter...."
He tries to get the dog to follow him toward the restaurant area where the others are enjoying their Kanga-burgers.
Even though the dog's eyes follow the man's movement, he doesn't really seem to be seeing him. When the hand is extended towards him, the dog seems to focus his gaze, at last, upon it. He doesn't sniff it. He looks up at the man holding out the hand, seemingly seeing him for the first time. The dog looks at the man for several moments. Then he looks around the room for the first time. He regards the man again. He takes a step backwards, his toenails echo hollowly on the tile floor. The dog looks down at his paw. The dog freezes. He looks at the man again, and then moves over to the sinks. He puts his front paws on the sink, and looks at himself in the mirror.
A low moan of dispair sounds from deep inside the dog. Woofard
sinks back down to the floor. He sits staring at the floor, for several
long moments. Finally the dog rises again, and walks towards the
tall thin man. Woofard stays out of arms reach, but follows the man
out of the bathroom. As they leave the room, his eyes roam everywhere,
trying to make sense of where he was.
Leo returns from the bathroom, followed at some distance by a large dog. The circus artist encourages the dog to follow, by voice and gestures. "Come on, doggie! No one's gonne hurt you. You're ok, boy..."
He picks up a burger from the table, opens the paper wrapper patterned with hopping kangaroos, and places the food offering on the floor, like the greasy heart of a paper flower.
"Want some dinner?" Leo offers, stepping away from the burger flower.
The dog stands looking at the burger for a moment. He seems to be looking at the wrapper. He eyes Leo, and steps up to the burger, giving it a sniff. He looks at Leo again, and then snarfs the burger up. He looks around again. He seems confused.
Harvey says, "Hey, a dog! Great! Here boy, heeere boy..." He snaps his fingers and pats his thighs in a hopeful fashion while smiling in the dog's direction.
Woofard looks at the guy calling him, and stays where he is. He continues looking the place over. A bowling alley?
At the sight of the dog, Ingar snarls and steps backwards.
At the sound and movement, Woofard looks over. He looks alarmed and steps back a couple of paces. He eyes the odd man warily.
Harvey says to Ingar, "I wouldn't worry, it looks friendly enough." And towards the dog: "Heeere boy, come'on!" He slaps his his thigh.
Woofard's stare is distracted by this man's calling again. Quickly he turns his eyes back to the tall creature. Currently Harvey is looking a little the worse for wear, his polo shirt is torn and appears to have had strips taken from it, he has a mostly blindingly white T-shirt on underneath, now starting to show a few stains. His coat is battered and stained and when you see the back has a smear of blood and grue running from the collar downwards. His camera is still in good order, however. The back of his head has been stitched up recently and still has fresh gauze padding over it. He appears distracted and somewhat stressed. Think rich tourist after a mugging and you won't be too far off.
After a long bit of staring, the dog apparently decides he is safe from attack, for the moment. He starts looking around for a TV or a newspaper or something that he can use to figure out where the Hell he is.
Harvey says to anyone listening, "He's probably frightened, does he have a collar on?" He inches slowly towards the dog making friendly noises and trying to see how well groomed it is.
Woofard turns an eye to the battered man approaching him. You wouldn't think a dog could look skeptical, but this one sure does. He backs away from the man with the camera. Woofard is an akita, a large Japanese breed of dog. He stands about a yard high at the shoulders, and could weigh around 100 lbs. He has pointed upright ears, and a curly tail. His thick medium length fur is well groomed and shows no sign whatever of damage. He is clean, and looks like he hasn't been starving. His fur gets thicker around his shoulders and neck, giving him a sort of mane (something the breed found useful when they were called upon to fight bears in ancient Japan). Visible in the thick fur around his neck is a brown leather collar with a purple metal tag dangling from it.
Chris looks over the prodigal pooch and seeing that he is unharmed slams shut the Al Amarjian Crimson Pages and says, "So what's your story then? I bet there's some bitch involved."
The dog looks over quickly at the sound of the slamming book. He sees the cover, and the title. Ok, that answers one question. Then he hears what the reader of the book said. He couldn't help but roll his eyes at the comment, and then froze, realizing what he had done. He waged his tail and said "Woof."
Harvey says to Chris, while keeping his eye firmly fixed upon the dog, "Intelligent looking fellow isn't he? Akita I think the breed's called, some of my patients used to have them. I wonder if he belongs to the naked folks in the pin racks..."
Woofard shoots a quick look towards the lanes, and then freezes again. This is getting worse and worse. He wonders if being killed twice has turned him into a total moron.
"Doesn't seem to taken by the burger, does he?" continues Harvey. "Expensive dog like that probably eats better than we do most of the time."
To the dog, "Is that right boy, mmm, you like real food huh? Maybe some water."
Back to Chris: "Doesn't exactly leap into your arms with affection, does he?"
Woofard regards the beat up guy, when the offer of water is made. He tosses the guy a friendly "Woof" to show that a drink would be ok. He watches where the guy heads to get it. He decides to follow and see if he can persuade him to give the poor thirsty dog something better than water.
Harvey turns to Chris. "Yeah, I think he's thirsty all right. I wonder if he's been trained not to drink from lavatory bowls..."
The bad news is, Woofard has to restrain himself from reacting again. The good news is these guys don't appear to be real rocket scientists here. After all, they are hanging out in a bowling alley, for crying out loud. Woofard starts to relax.
Harvey looks over the food and drink brought in for any mineral water. Failing that he heads towards the bathroom.
Woofard follows along behind the beat up guy. When they get to wherever they have the food and drink stashed, Woofard looks around him, trying to see if they have any beer stashed in there.
Seeing that the good doctor quickly found another conversation, KK lets out a quiet grunt as he slowly stretches his arms behind his back. Then he slowly gets up on his feet and moves over to Ben. "We're still on for Compton's party tomorrow, right? What time do we go to Golden to pick up the cash and the monkey suits? And did you keep that check, or did I get it back?" KK asks in a way that suggests that he's having some trouble focusing his thoughts.
Ben raises one eyebrow in a half curious half surprised look. "Don't tell me you lost it," he says. "Maybe you should check your pockets."
"Oh, don't worry. If you don't got it I must have it," KK says while going through his pockets. "Aha. Here it is. Safe and sound. Better keep an eye on me if I go down from these painkillers. I'm feeling a bit sleepy."
Chris goes to sit next to Doc Bennett. "Alrighty then, lets talk fees and such." The Good Doctorette finds the book rather hard to put down but finally does do so as Chris approaches.
"I figure that the bill runs around $200.00, including initial treatment of those two," she motions in the direction of Sam and Marda, who are beginning to stir on their cots. She then reaches up and readjusts her cap on her head, looking at Chris with a look that clearly says, "I'm open to payment suggestions."
"Do you have an e-gold account?" Chris asks.
Dr. Bennett smiles ruefully. "No, I don't," she replies.
Harvey looks up. "Oh, don't worry about the medical bill I can take care of that." He then turns to the good doctorette and says "American Express?"
"No, sorry." Dr. Bennett responds, fiddling with her cap again.
"Well, I have cash... or we could go into my office and have sex for two to three or more hours. The couch makes out into a bed. It's lumpy but once we get going we probably wouldn't notice. Mind you, this isn't regular or routine sex but rather the stuff poets write about, sex so good it needs its own musical score. Legendary is the word I am looking for. But if you would rather have the money, I'm cool with that."
Dr. Bennett smiles politely back, seemingly unfazed. She reaches into one of her bags and pulls out a pair of latex gloves. "Sorry," she responds, "but I never buy without checking over the merchandise first. I'll need a blood sample later, but we can get rid of the preliminary exam at least." She pauses a single beat as she snaps the gloves on, then spins one finger in the air. "Turn around, bend over, and drop 'em, stud muffin."
It's the snap of the glove that catches Eugene's attention. He turns around, just in time to hear the "turn around" section of the speech. The doctor's spinning one finger in the air, plus the look on Chris' face, is a Kodak moment, sadly lacking only a camera.
Eugene laughs. And laughs. And keeps right on laughing until his ribs feel like they're going to separate, until his food feels like it's going to go back up, until he's ready to black out due to lack of oxygen.
"I'm sorry... Hee hee hee.... I didn't mean to laugh... hahahahaha.... it's just... hehehee... I just had fashbacks... HA HA HA.... flashbacks to my C&I interview.... hehehehee.... oh the pain.... oh, God, Seneca Li, where are you?... hee ha ha ha ha.... I just want to know, for target practice purposes.... oh, my ribs.... he he he hee he hee.... that was priceless.... *gasp, pant, pant* all better now.... Ma'am, I'll pay in cash, if you don't mind..."
KK looks at the laughing teenager, wondering what's so funny about the impending cavity search. Maybe it was something he didn't pick up. Hoping to gain some new insights, he watches the ongoing events with interest.
Chris hops up from were he was sitting and motions to the assembled in the diner. "They all just ate so I'm sure they don't want to see this, why don't we repair to the office now and you can conduct your pre-flight inspection there."
"Nay!" laughs Goodness. "Drop trou, my lad! I'll find a clean linen, and ye ken pay yer debt right here!"
"Hmmmmm," Dr. Bennett hums thoughtfully, "now THAT doesn't sound too encouraging. From something that requires its own musical score, we've dropped to something that other people don't want to see." She reaches up to readjust her cap, but stops when she remembers she's wearing gloves. She smiles sweetly at Chris instead. "I begin to think that you have, well, overstated your position here."
Ingar watches the bargaining between Dr. Bennett and Chris with great eagerness. He scribbles eagerly in a small notebook, bound in black leather, writing continually without taking his gaze off the two. As Eugene laughs and gives his comments, Ingar casts a quick inquisitive look in his direction, and then resumes his scribbling with doubled intensity.
Chris stares at the doctor with a puzzled look on his face. "I am the host, this is my establishment, to undergo such a procedure in company would be extremly rude. Certainly you realize that."
"I have a medical degree, and I make house calls," Dr. Bennet replies in her best professional doctor's voice. "And you just offered to pay me with sex. I think that places us about dead even in the rudeness department. I hope you realize that as well."
She peels the gloves off and lays them on the table. "You seem like a nice enough guy, and you're kind of cute, but outside of cheap adolescent fantasy filler stories in porno mags most women do not react well to this approach. There are, admittedly, exceptions - particularly now that contraceptive science is improving - but you are more likely to meet with success in singles bars than with doctors making house calls. If that's really all you can pay with then I might be able to arrange a deal - I have another patient who might be interested, and I could stud you out. I think you would prefer to pay real money though."
Hey! She thinks I'm cute! Chris says to himself. "Ahh, you would be surprised at how often the direct approach works.... and probably a little concerned." Chris thinks back to his days on the road and shudders a little remembering just how often it worked. Probably would have a few less scars if it didn't work so well.
"My apologies, I certainly hope you are not angry as I foresee needing
your services later, propbably many times." He takes out his last
two c-notes and hands them over. "Here ya go, thanks for the help."
Come to think of it, he did pay for that call girl in advance, and he should still be in time for his hour. He wonders if his companions could keep themselves out of trouble long enough for him to enjoy a human's greatest sensory pleasure. He certainly hopes so, as he feels himself getting somewhat edgy.
"Are you going to this house?" says Harvey, "and if you are who else is going?"
"Nay, I'm na plannin' on goin' t' the hoos, unless that's where the rat is."
"Speaking of which," pipes up Eugene, having choked down the last of his Kanga-Grinder and Vitreous Kola, "what is this 'house', and does anyone want to take a serious look at it? I don't know much about it, but I can feel my curiosity kicking in, which means I won't get a decent night's sleep until I find out what's going on. If anyone does want to go, let me know, and I'll be glad to help out in whatever way I can. (*URRRRP*) 'Scuse me."
As a stray memory jumps up and catches Eugene's attention, he remembers that there's a doctor hanging around who bandaged up his head and would probably like compensation for her efforts. Since being a sex slave is probably out of the question (and something he's not comfortable with), he realizes he has to go digging through his wallet and hopefully find enough cash to pay her.
"Hey there, shooter. How much money is involved? And is it violent?" KK is never too sedated to get in on some lady rat profit catching money. Stay just guy with the big gun behind.
"Come t' that," replies Goodness, "Eh, I've kinda foorgotten. The mystery lady was talkin' t' me just as things were gettin' intairestin' at Sad Mary's. Tha's why I'm goin' back. She did mention money, I recall. Seemed like a goodly amount fer the work involved, whatever it was. Huntin' somethin', so sure, it'll be violent. Wanna tag along?"
"Sure," KK replies, his better judgement taking a nap for the moment. Hopefully he'll be able to stay awake during the important parts of the hunt.
Leo looks at Goodness, at KK, then scratches his head. Rats? Houses? Abandon common sense, all ye who enter here! "Sure, count me in," he says. He takes a bite of his burger...
Hearing that something is going on, Woofard looks up from where he's trying to score a beer. He finally sees a mop of hair, and gives a sniff. "Marda!" He almost slips on the slick floor as he runs across the room to where the two people are slowly rising. His curly tail is wagging like it has a life of it's own. He slides to a stop beside the little girl and stands there with a doggy grin on his tawny mug, tail thrashing away... And deep down inside himself, he wonders why just looking at her makes him feel nervous deep inside.
Harvey calls to Chris, "I guess we know who the dog belongs to now."
Marda looks up from her near torpid state at the familiar voice of the talking dog (can anyone say 'oxymoron'?) "Ciine? Is that you? What happened? Where am I? Where's Tata? Where's Teddy?"
"Yeah, it's me, cutie," replies Woofard quietly, "I don't really know the answer to any of those questions, but I think we're some place safe. It looks like a... bowling alley. Are you ok? What happened to you? Did you go in the burning house? How did you get hurt?" The unease he feels is slowly creeping around inside him, but it makes no sense. He decides to ignore it. It makes no sense.
Leo chokes on his Kanga-burger with everything on it. The dog! THE DOG IS TALKING! He stares, mouth hanging wide open. Then he looks around again, to see if his companions also heard the dog talk...
Marda the six year old electronic wizard. Eugene and his invisible butterflies. Agent Goodness and his irrespressible enthusiasm for trouble. Chris, his bowling alley, and his dead platypus. Ghishu who now works with a bunch of monkeys. Sam in his satanic circle at the Airporter Hotel. Ingar... Harvey, KK, and even Ben who seem almost reassuring by comparison.
What the hell, a talking dog. Leo rinses his throat with a swig of Afri-Cola and takes another bite of his burger, carefully eyeing the akita.
While conscious, Marda is definitely not working on all cylinders. "Yes. Into the hot building. Flying toolbelt. Fuzzy lady - ran away. Big mean man with big mean gun. What is 'bowling alley'? Where's Teddy?"
"Relax kid, take your time," Woofard says. His eyes do a quick scan of the area, he knows what items have a priority, "Nope, I don't see Teddy around here. He's probably hiding, or something. Don't you worry. We went into the hot building too, and had a fight with some bad men with knives. We beat the bad men, and they beat us and....." He considers his adventures in the mystical realm beyind life, what he would call Creepy-ville, and decides to skip over that part. "...And suddenly I was here. I don't know where the Lime.... I mean Nigel is, but it looks like..." He considers the phrases he would use to describe Sam, but refrains from those, and instead adds, "...It looks like Tata is here next to you."
Marda is still delirious, feverish, but not so much that Teddy's absence goes unnoticed. She attempts to pull herself up on her feet. "Gotta...find...Teddy...Teddy..." But the exertion is too much and she falls back on the floor.
As much as the kid is starting to creep him out, he still feels compelled to help her. Her cry for Teddy is so sad. He looks around. He laughs to himself at the guy hitting on the doctor, unsuccessfully. Looking over all the assorted wierdos gathered here, he suddenly realizes something. He has gotten all carried away, and been gibbering like a Goddamn monkey, and none of these freaks seem to notice, or care. Woofard starts to worry in spite of himself. What the Hell kind of people are these guys?
"Engar," says Agent Goodness, sitting down next to his friend, "I'm na sairten what this 'rat catcher' assignment is all aboot. Some woman wants me t' hunt somethin' doon, an' she says she'll pay pretty well fer the effort. But she did say too tha' she wants whatever 'tis captured alive if possible. As I say, I'm na sure what's what here, but I'd like t' have ye aroond, if ye wish t' keep travellin' wi me. I also need some sleep, so I doon't plan on stairten this escapade 'til the morn. After this, I think we'll have enough cash t' open up oor agency, if ye'd like. Whattya say, me friend?"
Harvey stands, ignoring all else about him, gazing with mouth open at the talking dog. He shakes his head, looks about to see if anyone else is reacting, and when he sees they're not thinks about calling the doctor over. Then he realises that she is already otherwise engaged and thinks better of it.
Woofard makes eye contact with this guy that is staring at him. Woofard's eyes narrow. That guy noticed. That guy knows.
He turns to Engar and says, "While you're considering that offer, do you want to see if any of the bowling lanes are still working? Goodness, are you up for a game?"
"No ken do, I'm afraid," replies Goodness. "I've got to go see a woman aboot a rat." He rises from the table. "Right, I'm off t' Sad Mary's. Anyone want t' tag along? Might na be the best idea I've ever had, I know, but work is work, aye? I'll be back as soon as I'm able."
Ingar is equally surprised by the fact that the dog is not trying to attack him, as he is by its talkative nature. Either event is equally unprecedented. "I would love to participate in a friendly game of bowling, Harvey," says the Norwegian cheerily. A bit less 'oh-my-isn't-this nice'ly he continues "While I would love to be of assistance to the good Goodness, I must admit that I am rather reluctant to return to Sad Mary's, and I also find the idea of capturing a rat to be somewhat aversive. But perhaps Agent Goodness would be so good as to elaborate on the nature of his mission, and offer his opinion as to whether he thinks I might be of any assistance in this endeavour."
At the end of his statement, his voice grows gradually weaker, and as he finishes, he draws his breath with a loud wheeze. He does not seem to be intending to breathe out anytime soon. Not holding his breath, simply being a bit absent-minded about it.
Harvey says, "Ok, let's see if we can get the game set up..."
KK walks over to Goodness, his eyes still glued to Chris and Dr. Bennet. "I'll tag along. Let's just hope the pay is good enough, one way or the other," he says, finally tearing his eyes away from the display of advanced courtship.
"Hold on a minute there partner," says Ben as he stands and moves towards KK. "You're not leaving my sight until I get my half of that check. Where ever you go I go."
Leo turns toward Marda, then looks at the zipped bowling bag he's carrying. "Sure, I'll tag along," he agrees. "I, uh, have to run some errands anyway."
Woofard looks at Marda as she sprawls upon the floor. He realizes he needs help. Who, of these characters, will he trust to help him? He looks at where Sam is seemingly rousing himself, and snorts. Well, so far, only one of them seems like he had a normal reaction to Woofard, and the big goof has tried to be nice to him before.
Woofard wanders over to where Harvey is standing, trying to talk some people into bowling. The big weird guy, and some scottish sounding guy, are there, and that long hair freak was coming over to talk to the scottish guy. The big akita sits next to the beat up man, while the others were talking about rats. Rats. He remembers where he had met Marda and shudders involuntarily at recalling those rats.... but that extreminator guy.... there was something about him that.... just seemed right. Woofard whispers to Harvey, "Hey there Spud, I need a little help, and you've been elected. Okay?"
Harvey stiffens noticeably, starts to speak then clearly thinks better of it. He turns to Goodness and Engar and says, "Well, you guys have luck with your rats. Maybe we can meet up for a drink later on? Get in that bowling game finally?"
Without waiting for a reply he kneels down and pats Woofard on the head. "Hey, who's a friendly boy then, who's a friendly doggy?"
Woofard looks vaguely annoyed at the pat, but deals with it.
Harvey then leans forward hugging the dog and whispers in its ear. "Look, I don't know what's going on but I'll help if I can, what do you need?" As he whispers and hugs the dog he runs his hand over the collar looking for evidence of a microphone.
"Waoh, there Dr. Friendly!" says Woofard stepping back a step, "I ain't that kinda dog. Ya wanna make a love connection, you better look for a sheep." Woofard looks around, seeing Leo's reaction, he feels like an idiot. Oh what the Hell, he winks at the tall guy. Looking back at Harvey, Woofard says, "Look, I need to know how and where you guys found the kid there... and did you find a beat up little teddy bear with her?"
Harvey says "Well, we found her tangled in the pin changing machinery, there was kind of a loud crashing noise and there they were. I think there was a teddy bear..."
" 'In the pin changing machine'?" Woofard asks in surprise, and then takes his mind back to recent events, "Well, I guess that's no weirder than turning up in the can."
Harvey straightens up for a moment and loudly calls out: "Hey, anybody still got that kid's teddybear?"
Sam perks up in his bed and shouts back: "Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Now you're gonna get to hear why she's called a wailing banshee."
"Oh crap!" says Woofard, the jerk is right. The dog looks panicked. He has heard the cry of the Banshee.
Leo looks over his shoulder with an expression of terror, frantically making hushing signs. "Ssshhh!" he hisses at Woofard, Ingar, and Harvey. "Shut up already about the teddy bear!" The last two words are whispered almost inaudibly. "I don't want Marda to start howling again..."
He glances rapidly at Marda, who is showing signs of restlessness despite both heavily wounded and sedated. Waving the three closer, he steps towards a corner of the room, away from the Child of Terror. Briskly, he opens the bowling bag and shows the contents to his companions: badly damaged pieces of teddy bear, with mounds of stuffing pouring out.
"I told you I had it in here!" he whispers with aggravation. "That's what I need to go out for: if I don't get him -- uh, it fixed up, Marda will be broken hearted. But if she sees the state her Teddy's in, she's going to bawl like an air raid siren. I've already sewn Teddy back together once, but this is pretty severe. Let's keep this quiet, OK?"
At the first call for the stuffed animal, KK began wondering what was going on, and after seeing Leo's gestures and catching a glimpse of what he's carrying in his bowling bag, the importance of the teddy bear is still a mystery to him. But at least it seems to be a pretty harmless mystery, which is a relief. He turns to Ben with a sedated smile. "Nice people you know. Much better than the guys with chains. You know what they're up to, though?"
Woofard looks at Leo, "Can I go with you to get it fixed? That'll make me feel like I'm doing something to help her, and get me outta here before the screaming starts."
Harvey blushes a deep, deep shade of red. He looks at Marda to see if she is showing any signs of reacting to his question. If she is (and only if she is) he quickly shouts out "Oh yes, of course, I remember now its gone to the teddy bear's picnic with its friends and will be back real soon now".
Harvey thinks to himself, "Heh, I didn't raise a daughter to college age without learning a few tricks". He tries not to dwell on the fact that he was at work most of the time his daughter was growing up, things would still have worked out the same even if he had been home more.
Woofard looks at the man. Kind of a lame story, but it shows a
pretty decent adaptability. Maybe this guy isn't as big a loser as
he looks.
"Look, um, Ciine? That's your name?"
"Uh, no. It isn't," replies the dog, "I think it means dog in whatever Russkie language that kid speaks. The tags on the collar say Woofard, so that's what I'm going by. Dumb, but what ya gonna do, eh?"
Leo resists an impulse to "shake" with the dog. "Hi, Woofard," he says politely, finally deciding to go with the flow again. When in Al Amarja, do as the 'Martians do...
"Hiya." Woofard responds easily.
"I don't mean to be picky," Leo continues, "because in what little time I've spent on Al Amarja I've seen plenty that I'd never seen before, and that's saying something for a circus artist, but -- how the hell can a dog talk? No offense, but you don't even have the lips for it, let alone a larynx."
It suddenly occurs to Leo that maybe he has a concussion like Harvey and simply doesn't remember it. Cautiously yet trying to look casual, he raises a hand to his head and, under the pretense of slicking his curly hair a bit, feels for bumps. Nope, no bump. Would he know if he was delirious? He muses on the question, at the same trying to decide whether a talking dog and a guy who forgets to breathe are stranger than a blockhead or a lycanthrope.
"You're right, I can't," replies Woofard blandly, "Actually, the kid is a ventriloquist." He looks back at where Marda is, and adds, "She's very good. But enough about me, and my little situation. What's up with you guys? You don't look like the regular Saturday Night League Bowlers. Is this some sort of cult, or conspiracy, or weird refugee camp, or something?"
"I'm a dermatologist" says Harvey, helpfully. "I met these guys in a bar".
"A dermatologist?" Woofard considers "Ok, ya got a name, dermatologist?"
"Harvey," Harvey says, "Harvey Finkelbaum III. Do you have a name? Oh, and while I'm asking questions how is it you talk?"
"I'm going by the handle Woofard," replies the dog. "Talk? Dude, I'm a dog. Dogs can't talk." He continues in a dramatically suspicious voice, "Dr Finkelbaum, you haven't been self medicating again, have you?"
Leo blinks, wondering if he can manage formal introductions. Nope. "Most of us are burger," he answers. "Some of us met when we went through customs, like Sam, Marda, and I; others we just ran into. I'm Leo Barbeau, and I'm a circus artist."
Ah, circus people, now it starts to make sense, thinks Woofard. "I hope that doesn't mean ya paint clowns on black velvet."
"This is Dr. Ingar Forn," he indicates the hulk of amalgamated medical kindness and primal terror. "Ingar is a psychologist. I'd say he's got his work cut out for him," Leo adds in a mumble.
"The way in which I have come to know these people is a little complicated." Ingar chimes in.
Woofard turns his gaze to Ingar, and involuntarily makes a Ewww face. Struggling not to gag, he gasps out, "Pleased ta meetcha."
Leo turns towards the larger group nearby and points to Goodness. "This is agent Buttery Goodness, and he's one of the two non-burger here; the other one is Ben Crutcher, over there. Mr. Goodness was going back to the bar we just ran from (that's Sad Mary's Bar & Girl if you're interested) to finish his conversation with a potential employer. He's a... a private detective, I guess. We ran from the bar because of a pretty violent bar fight. Two dead, not counting the one that started it, so I'm not sure returnin is our brightest idea, but like I said I need to go out to run 'errands' anyway, so I'll tag along as far as the bar. You're welcome to come with me run the 'errands' but I suggest you let me do the talking, except with seriously drunk or stoned customers..."
Woofard nods to the two men he's been introduced to. That guy's a P.I.? He thinks, maybe these guys are ok. At least they don't seem to be affiliated with whatever passes for cops, here on Psycho Island. "Yeah, since I was chased across the island by people shooting at me and throwing grenades from a helicopter, you can be pretty sure I'm not talking to every goofball I meet. I only talked to you guys 'cause it was an emergency. Outside, I'm all dog." He gets up and takes a few steps towards the door, and away from that really smelly shrink, "Let's get over to the... Teddy Bear picnic, then."
"Hey there hi there ho there," says Goodness. He pauses a moment.
Furrows his brow. Purses his lips. Nods his head. Then,
he utters the following: "SWEET
MAIRCIFUL CRAP! A TALKING DOG! I mean, sweet Jaisus!
A talking, talking DOG! Engar, Leo, ye do SEE this, do ye not?
I mean, hairy twits in
trenchcoats walkin' inta shotgun fire, disappearin' heads, talkin'
penisisis... penisee? Peniseye? A TALKIN' DOG!"
Suddenly, the Scotsman shrugs. "Eh."
Harvey listens to Goodness' rant and thinks to himself, "Now they react,
I get to be the guy talking to the dog and now they react."
He then says out loud, in a
distinctly weary tone, "Talking penii? You've met talking penii
and you're bothered by a talking dog?"
"Talking wieners?" asks Woofard. There's got ta be a story behind that one.
Harvey wonders at why he is being described as a burgher, some kind of germanic thing? Anyway, he pipes up "That's a fair summary, Leo bailed me out in the fight at the bar. I'm not sure its such a good place to go back to, pretty violent and you don't always get your drink that fast either. I tell you, I have never in the whole of my life seen as much violence as I did in five minutes in that bar."
"I'm still pretty shook up about it to tell you the truth. And the head vanished off one of the victim's bodies too..."
"Hunh?" asks Woofard, "Vanished off? Did it, um, fall off first, or did it just disappear off of his neck?"
Harvey realises that he is not making an awful lot of sense, then again that may just mean he's giving an accurate summary. Sense seems to have been left behind when he flew in, hopefully it will turn up in a couple of days with the rest of my luggage he muses.
"Oh yeah," KK remembers, "I saw a guy in an alley getting cut out like that too. Did I tell you guys about that? Once you've seen stuff like that, talking dogs and scary mutants seem pretty normal. Weird shit happens, you know," he says, trying to exchange a knowing look with Ben.
Leo nods emphatically. "I know what you mean," he agrees.
"Who's the stoner?" asks Woofard, his voice a trifle cold.
"Hey, I'm not a stoner," KK informs the dog. "I hurt my nose, and took some pills, but that's way after I saw that dying man in the alley. And yeah, the head just disappeared. Just like that alleyguy's arms and stuff. First it's there, and then *snip*, it's gone. And then everyone and their dog tells you to 'come to the house'. Did you come from the house?"
Woofard looks at KK for a bit. Something in the dog wants to sneer just looking at this guy, but he maintains his cool. He focuses on what he said. Woofard wonders if the scene he described was some sort of drugged out acid flashback. The guy seemed to have enough conviction that the story worried the dog. "What house? The house I was in was on fire and filled with knife wielding loonies. I hope ta God it's not the same house. If it is, this is one dog's that's telling ya NOT to go to that house."
Goodness stops cold. "Ye know where the hoos is? Hey, Scooby-Doom, if this is the same hoos, there must be someone trapped inside! And ye say it was burnin'? Kin ye lead us back there?"
"Who're you callin' Scooby Doo, Kilt-boy?" replies Woofard, "As ta finding the house again, I suppose I could if I was near it. I'm not exactly sure where I am right now, but this place was somewhere where babboons are running around. There can't be too many places like that around, can there?"
"So the house was on fire, eh? We had our own piece of burning building right outside, in the parking lot. Did you see that? Looks like it got dropped from the sky. Was at the same time as the power went out," KK says. "Stuff keeps dropping from the sky on this island. I should get a helmet," he adds with a glance up at the night sky.
Goodness reaches into his jacket and pulls out a cigarette. "Engar, how aboot ye stay in th' Alley fer the nonce. Me an' the boys'll scoot oover t' Mary's an' see what's what, then hightail it back. Trust me, I'm na takin' any jobs 'til the morn, 'cause I fer one am gettin' TIRED." He takes a drag on his mentholated. "Talkin' dog," he mutters.
"Yes, I think that is a good idea." replies Ingar. He inhales the smoke exhaled by the Scotsman. "I must say, with all due respect for individual preferences, that I found the level of hostility at Sad Mary's somewhat upsetting."
"I found it a bit much myself," comments Harvey. "Goodness, I'll see you when you get back."
"Perhaps we could sit down and talk a bit about recent events?" Ingar asks Harvey.
"I promised to help out the dog, but yes, I think that would be good," responds Harvey, "you're a psychologist yes? What kind?"
Woofard suddenly turns back to Leo, "Oh hey, I almost forgot. I lost my limey, and a junkman... back where ever the Hell I was. You guys didn't find a spare, did ya? If not, could ya keep an eye open for them?"
Sam props himself up on one elbow, and looks over at the dog. "Hey, you ungrateful mut."
"Ungrateful my ass," growls Woofard in response. "Don't think I'm gonna forget you were ready ta feed me ta them goddamn monkeys."
"Sorry about that monkey thing, pooch, I was't gonna pay that scab $25 bucks. Besides, you seemed to want a piece of them anyway."
Woofard sneers at this remark, but being a dog, probably nobody notices.
"Your junkman's got about 100 knife wounds in his chest. The dumb ass charged those freak fanatics and got slashed for it. I took out one, then grabbed the banshee here," pointing in the direction of the angelic little creature in repose upon the bed, "and made a dash for the window. Where the hell were you?" Hacking cough... cough... cough... "Damn smoke, remind me not to go into anymore burning buildings... hey, anyone got a cigarette?"
Woofard sighs, but then says, "Nige and me went in the back way, and found pretty much the same as the junkman, after we took three or four of those turban headed mo-fo's out, including their big Kahuna. But like I said, we took it as hard as the Junkman, and we ran inta him afterwards." Woofard barks a laugh, "After that, things got weird."
"So what, you're saying you're dead?!?!? Shit, this place get's weirder by the minute!!!"
"No, I'm saying I was killed," replies the dog casually, "Actually, if I wasn't hallucinating, and I'm afraid I wasn't, I was killed twice. Along with Nigel and the Trashman. But you are right, 'weirder by the minute'."
Though he may engage in primal screaming in public toilets and snort raw meat, smoking is an odious habit which Ingar does not engage in, and therefore he has no cigarette to offer Sam.
Goodness, however, does, and tosses one over to the man. "Menthol," he adds.
Sam flips the fag into his mouth. He looks around the room for anything he might be missing then heads out after Goodness and Leo. "Hey, anybody got a light?"
Sam turns to the canine. "Woofard, I said you were ungrateful 'cause you never thanked me for those two beers I bought you." Woofard looks towards Sam as he speaks, still with a look of doggy-disdain on his fuzzy face... And after he hears what Sam said, he paused a beat and started laughing. After he recovers enough to speak, Woofard replies, "Ok, you promise not to feed me to any more monkeys, and I'll see about getting some dough to pay ya back. I'm kinda short of pockets in this fuzzy suit." Fuzzy. Fuzzy, Furry? Hell, he is starting to creep himself out. Woofard thinks that maybe he should arrange to talk to the stinky shrinky when he gets back to the bowling alley.
Remembering that someone was asking him a question earlier, Sam continues: "I'm Shaggy, he's Scooby." He gestures toward the dog. "So, Agent Goodness is it? What, you one of them nut cases from the airport or something? That buildings probably gutted by now. Marda 'n me rescued some fuzzy chick from the place before we got out. If there's anything left in there now it's toast, man."
As Sam describes the chick as fuzzy, Woofard finds himself shuddering again. Crap.
Leo shakes his head, but is confident that Goodness will have the implements necessary to smoking. He looks at Mr. Dart who is still dressing. "So, Sam, you and Marda seem to have had a pretty busy day,' he comments wrily. "Can you give us the highlights?"
Sam mumbles through the brief story. It's hard to understand him with the cigarette bobbing up and down while he talks. "I wonder where that fuzzy chick got off to," he says in conclusion. "There must be a clan of 'em on this hell hole of an island. By the way, did anyone get the number of that truck that shot me with that green beam?"
Goodness tosses his lighter to Sam. "All right, the retairn trip to Mary's is aboot t' depairt. Anyone goin', let's hit it." Goodness gets up and begins moving towards the door.
Leo, still carrying the bowling bag, wordlessly follows Goodness. "Let's see if the lights are back on the rest of the block," he comments.
Woofard's curly tail wags as he follows the others out of the bowling alley. As they leave the building, his eyes and nose search up and down the street taking in the location and seeing if it fits in with anyplace he's been so far. He doesn't expect much.
Marda tosses and turns in her drug-and-pain-induced-stupor. "Fuzzies. Fuzzies everywhere. Fuzzy dog. Fuzzy snowman. Fuzzy lady. Fuzzy..." With a start, she props herself into full concsiousness. "TEDDY!"
Horrified, Leo hightails it into the Al Amarjan night, eager to be away
before this test of the emergency broadcast system commences. He
hurries to catch up with Goodness a few paces ahead.
To Be Continued...