Legends of the Five Rings: Magistrates!

L5R's answer to Cops!

(Anouncer)
Magistrates is filmed on location in Ryoko Owari with the local law enforcement agency.  All suspects are guilty as long as we have witnesses.

The hour of the Rat: 2:35 AM.

Magistrate Mirumoto Genjuro and Akodo Atama are out and around in Noble Quarters along with the recruits Amakuchi and Isawa Jikkyu, when a loud high pitched squeal is heard off in the distance.

[Genjuro]  "Looks like it's going to be another one of those nights."

[Atama]  "Yup."

[Jikkyu] "Shall I attempt to find out what is happening, Genjuro-san?"

[Genjuro]  "Sure... the sooner the better."

*Jikkyu stretches out to the Void and sees that there is trouble at the house of one Shosuro Jocho.*

[Jikkyu]  "Genjuro-san, it's the Shosuro household.  Looks like a domestic dispute."

[Genjuro]  "Great, we've been there enough times already this week... don't they ever learn?"

[Atama]  "Don't think so.  Sounded like this could get ugly tonight."

*They ride of through the streets with a palanquin in tow.  And arrive outside of one Shoshuro Jocho, wherein they see him and what looks to be like a Crane dignitary of some sort outside of his place arguing and Jocho is standing at what looks like arms length from the Crane.  He is shirtless, drunk off his ass, and bellowing in a slurred voice.*

[Jocho]  "I didn't do nothin'!  I didn't do nothin'!  Help me!  Help!!"

[Midori]  "You liar!" *POOF!* "There's a weapon."  "How could you?? ..."

*Jikkyu sees the weapon, unknown to the others*

[Jikkyu]  "Poof, your weapon has been counterspelled.  Never try and out-magic a Phoenix."

*The Crane notices the Magistrates show up and slowly comes to the realization that she truely loves him for some unexplicable reason.*

[Jocho]  "I'm sorry... I didn't do anything, and I only love you!!  Midori!  Don't let them take me!"

*Asahina Midori starts to break down and cry (hehe... softhearted...)*

[Midori]  "Wait!  It's not what it looks like!...  He doesn't..."

*Magistrate Genjuro has a small inkwell and parchment in hand taking notes while speaking to the Asahina.*

[Genjuro]  "What? Doesn't love you or doesn't deal opium?"

*struggling sounds can be heard as Atama and Amakuchi are wrestling Jocho to the ground and cuffing him.*

[Amakuchi]:  "ON THE GROUND SCORP-BOY!  DO IT NOW!  NOW!  NOW!"

[Jocho]:  "You filthy traitor!  I know you!  You're my - ACK!"

*Amakuchi kicks Jocho in the face and then begins beating him with a tonfa.*

[Amakuchi]:  "I am a RONIN!"  (WHACK!)  "A RONIN!" (WHACK!)  "Understand punk?"  (WHACK!)

*In the altercation, Jocho's mask comes off and breaks in half, revealing a brick of opium inside.  Amakuchi stops beating Jocho and hooks his thumbs into his obi, rocking back and forth on his heels.*

[Amakuchi]:  "Well thar son, ah do b'leve you've done gone an' bought yerself one heapin' helpin' o' trouble thar."

[Jocho]:  "It's not mine!  It's a plant!  I've never seen it before!  It belongs to the Crane! She made me carry it for her!   And what's with the stupid accent anyway, this is Rokugan, you idiot!"

[Amakuchi]:  "Never!"  (WHACK!)  "Call!"  (WHACK!)  "Me!"  (WHACK!) "An idiot!"  (WHACK!  WHACK!  WHACK!)

[Genjuro]  "Look, this is the third time we've been out here this week, we know what's going on here.  We've seen peasants come in and out of this place too many times to count.  We've even heard reports of some racketeering going on at Tear Drop Island.  Don't make us take you in too."

[Amakuchi]:  "I'm using a dishonorable PEASANT WEAPON!"  (WHACK!)  "That's because I am a disreputable RONIN!"  (WHACK!)  "And don't you forget it!" (WHACK!)

[Jocho]:  "Help!  Help!  That's brutality, man!  Ow!  Help!  Quit it!  Owch!  Stop it! Ow!"

[Atama]:  (Snorts)  "Scorpions are such wimps."

[Jikkyu]:  "Kando-san, I believe he has had enough."

[Amakuchi]:  "AAAARGH!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  I TOLD YOU NEVER TO CALL ME THAT!"

[Jikkyu]:  "Sorry, Shosuro-san."

[Amakuchi] (pulling on topknot):  "AAAAAAAARGH!"

[Midori]  "He's really honest.. .and I... do love him.  He would never do anything to hurt me!  We just got into a small argument... honest Magistrate-san.  He says things he doesn't mean at times when he's like this..."

*Genjuro glances at the torn kimono the Asahina wears*

[Magistrate Genjuro]  "Yeah... right.  Anyhow, is there something we can do for you?  Cup of tea or sake? ... Have you had rice today?"

[Amakuchi]:  "Hey!  HEY!  Turn the camera off!  Turn it OFF RIGHT NOW!"

*Commercial for Rice 'N' Oni - The Ryoko Owari Treat...*

*Magistrate logo re-appears*

*Genjuro in foreground and Atama, Amakuchi, and Jikyu are in the background stuffing Jocho into the palanquin.  Some servants are giving tea to the Asahina and comforting her.*

[Jikkyu]:  "Please step into the palanquin, Shosuro-san"

[Amakuchi]:  "WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME THAT?"

[Jikkyu]:  "I was speaking to Jocho."

[Jocho]:  "You're in big trouble now.  Yogo Asako will hear about this!  When she's through with you..."

[Amakuchi]:  "Just get your *BLEEP* in the palenquin, punk!"

[Atama]:  (Snorts)  "An Akodo would NEVER act like that."

[Genjuro]  "Well, as you can see... it was somewhat of an eventful night so far, we'll take him down to Magistrate headquarters for more questioning, I'm sure she will get some sleep after all."

[Jikkyu]  (with a startled look on his face and his hands on his forehead meditating) "Genjuro-san, fire in the Servants quarters... possible sighting of Akodo Ryu running from scene."

[All Magistrates]  "Hai!"

[Amakuchi] (who isn't a Magistrate)  "Not again...."

*They all bow to each other*

*Music and credits roll*

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