Legends of the Five Rings:Battlefield Quandaries

Honour problems with all those dead bodies...

SCENE - a battlefield somewhere in Rokugan.  A Lion general stares across the battlefield where a Phoenix army is deployed.

General:  "Taisa, order a charge!"

Taisa #1:  "Hai!  Um...  sir?"

General:  "What?"

Taisa #1:  "Well sir, this will be our SECOND charge against that position."

General:  "So?"

Taisa #1:  "Well, some of our brave troops undoubtedly fell honorably on the field of battle during the last charge."

General (getting annoyed):  "SO?"

Taisa #1:  "Um, that means that there are probably a bunch of...  YOU KNOW WHAT out there."

General:  "'You know what?'  What on earth are you talking about?

Taisa #1:  "You know...  those...  things!"

General:  "What things?"

Taisa #1:  "Those...  THINGS you get when people die and stuff!"

General:  "Funerals?  There are no funerals out there!  You would be able to see the pyres!"

Taisa #1:  "No sir!  I mean...  I mean...  um...  *GULP* I mean ... dead things!"

ENTIRE LION ARMY:  "EEEEEEEEEEW!  HE SAID A BAD WORD!  ICK!  YUGH!  EEEEW!"

General:  "How dare you mention that sort of thing in my presence!  Go and kill yourself at once, and whatever you do don't become one of those...  you know...  THINGS in the process!"

Taisa #1 (weeping):  "Hai General!  At once General!"

(Taisa #1 runs off.  General turns to Taisa #2)

General:  "You!  Summon the E.T.A. squad!  Get them to deal with this problem!"

Taisa #2:  "Hai!"  (turns and yells)  "ETA TRANQUILITY ASSISTANCE SQUAD!  FRONT AND CENTER!  GO OUT INTO THE FIELD AND CLEAN UP ALL THE... YOU KNOW... SO THAT OUR BRAVE SAMURAI DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT TOUCHING ANY!"

(Meanwhile, on the other side of the line, the Phoenix commander surveys the battlefield)

Hatamoto:  "What do you think the Lion will do General?"

General:  "I believe they will charge!"

Hatamoto:  "Why is that General?"

General:  "First, because they are Lion.  Second..."

(He gestures with one hand towards the large number of eta who are busy carrying corpses off the battlefield, sweeping, and laying tatami mats over pools of blood).

General:  "We must prepare for their assault.  Tell the pikemen to dress up their line over there.  It looks sloppy!"

Hatamoto:  "Regrettably, general, we cannot."

General:  "Why not?"

Hatamoto:  "Because several of the men in that unit died gloriously during the last Lion charge."

General:  "So?"

Hatamoto:  "Well, the others cannot dress up their line because they might touch one!"

General:  "Ah, very well.  It can't be helped then."
 

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