Legends of the Five Rings:

Give Me Back My Baby, You Warthog From Hell!

KANDO:  "Bantaro-sama will be here in half an hour?"

YUMIKO:  "Yes, husband."

KANDO:  "Then let us make sure all is in readiness.  Have tea and cakes been prepared for his visit?"

YUMIKO:  "Yes, husband."

KANDO:  "And entertainers have been hired?"

YUMIKO:  "Yes, husband."

KANDO:  "And there is sufficient sake?"

YUMIKO:  "Yes, husband."

KANDO:  "And a tea house on Teardrop Island has been rented for the evening?"

YUMIKO:  "Yes, husband."

KANDO:  "And the horses?"

YUMIKO:  "Three sets saddled and waiting, one set here, two in various stables nearby."

KANDO:  "Clothing?"

YUMIKO:  "There are several sets with the horses, plus others stashed in several locations, various types."

KANDO:  "Weapons?"

YUMIKO:  "Your bow has been placed in the crawl space above the ceiling of the meeting room, along with the pot of poison and 20 arrows.  Your katana has been secreted under the mats.  Each stash of clothing has swords and bows, with additional sets with the horses."

KANDO:  "Money?"

YUMIKO:  "I have twenty koku on my person, with an additional five sewn into your clothing."

KANDO:  "Childcare?"

YUMIKO:  "Midori is being hidden, and we have the substitute baby dressed in appropriate clothes and waiting in the nursery."

KANDO:  "Scrolls?"

YUMIKO:  "I have the 'forget' scroll close at hand if needed.  My other scrolls are hidden nearby."

KANDO:  "Anything else?"

YUMIKO:  "You forgot to bribe the guards on duty at the gates, but I took care of it.  I also hired an untraceable group of mercenaries who are stationed on rooftops nearby with orders to shoot any creepy guy with a long moustache and fingernails over 6 inches in length who leaves this building with a small child."

KANDO:  "Excellent!  Then all is in readiness!"

YUMIKO:  "Husband?"

KANDO:  "Yes?"

YUMIKO:  "Perhaps Soshi-sama only wishes to talk.  Perhaps he will not take Midori if we do not wish it.  What will we do then?"

KANDO (SHRUGS):  "Have a garage sale?"
 

"Shosuro Hametsu-sama, could you please tell Soshi-sama to leave my daughter alone?  Why?  Because I believe him to be corrupted by an ancient evil which desires nothing less than the destruction of Rokugan and... why are you giggling?"

"Yogo-sama, could you please intervene on our behalf with Soshi-sama?  He claims that our daughter is destined to be a powerful shugenja and wishes to take her away from us for training.  But we do not trust him!  We believe that he represents a powerful and ancient evil which... what? Oh, um, thank you.  A brochure for the Yogo shugenja school.  Well, no, we had not really given it an consideration, but... why are you cackling?"

"Bayushi Shoju-sama, as a loyal member of the Scorpion clan I beg a boon!  Soshi Bantaro-san seeks to take my only child and heir for training as a Soshi shugenja.  My wife and I do not wish this, but my family daimyo Shosuro Hametsu-sama only giggles when I request his assistance in the matter.  You are my last hope, sama.  I beg of you, please aid me in... what?  Um.  Uh.  Well, yes, it IS a nice looking sword, most attractive.  Now as I was saying... pardon?  Well, the saya is intricately carved, but I am somewhat concerned about the way it drips blood and screams, though it is not really my place to judge such matters.  In any event I beg for your aid in this... sama, forgive me but I am not one to judge such matters.  Please.  I... very well, if you say so.  The sword does indeed offset the snarling oni mask you are wearing quite well.  I'm sure that it would look quite suitable for a clan daimyo.  Now then, we humbly beg you to... off to where???  Otosan Uchi?  Are you sure?  Very well, if we must."

"Bayushi Kachiko-san, I must speak to you on a matter of utmost urgency.  Perils beset our clan, and... and... and I think that... um... um... are those... ahem, I mean I believe that Soshi Buntaro - I MEAN BANTARO! - is plotting to steal my... my... um...  Bayushi Kachiko... ahlahlahlahl!"
 

Soshi Bantaro: "I want to take your daughter away and raise her as a powerful shugenja."

Shosuro Kando and Shosuro Yumiko: "No way.  We respectfully request that you get lost, honorable master."

Soshi Bantaro: "But it is foreordained that she become a great shugenja!  Hand her over this minute!"

Shosuro Kando and Shosuro Yumiko: "Get bent, wise old one.  You're not our daimyo."

[Soshi Bantaro goes to Shosuro Hametsu to whine about the whole thing.  Shosuro Hametsu gets into the argument.]

Shosuro Hametsu: "Kando!  Give the brat to Bantaro right NOW!"

Shosuro Kando and Shosuro Yumiko: "Run away!  Run AWAY!  Togashi-sama, can we become Dragons?"

Togashi-sama: "Fish."
 

SOSHI BANTARO:  "I would like your child to enter the Soshi academy."

SHOSURO YUMIKO:  "Thank you, wise one.  I am honored.  But Midori is far too young to begin training now.  We will consider the matter."

SOSHI BANTARO:  "Excellent.  Here, have a brochure.  I will also place you on our mailing list."

SHOSURO YUMIKO:  "You are too kind, oh wise one."

SOSHI BANTARO:  "Oh, look at the time!  Must be going!  I need to check up on my opium int...  I mean, I need to make optimum time getting back to my castle!"

SHOSURO YUMIKO:  "It has been a pleasure having you in my home, sensei."

(BANTARO DEPARTS.  A CEILING PANEL SLIDES ASIDE AND KANDO, DRESSED ENTIRELY IN BLACK AND CARRYING A BOW, DROPS TO THE FLOOR)

KANDO AND YUMIKO (in unison):  "WHEW!"

BABY MIDORI:  "BARF!"

KANDO:  "Hmmmm...  maybe Bantaro-sama had the right idea."

YUMIKO:  "Santei?  Santei?"

SANTEI:  "Hai, Shosuro-sama?"

YUMIKO:  "Take Midori away.  Clean her up, feed her, bathe her properly and whatever you do make sure that she stays out of the plotline for the next six months, save for occasional walk-on window dressing appearances where she is to invariably be cute, funny, and clean."

SANTEI:  "Hai, Shosuro-sama!  It will be done!"

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