I kicked apart a robot
Parchesi was his name
And if he bad mouths me again
He'll get more of the same

    -from Mike the Metabaron's Big Book of Violent Poetry.
 
 

Parchesi the Robot

Stats
Image
Story

Stats

Agility 2D+1
Dodge 3D+1
Melee Combat (Robot-fu) 3D+1 (Remember R2's welding attachment/taser?)

Knowledge 3D
Bureaucracy 4D

Mechanical 3D
Piloting 4D

Perception 2D+2
Con 3D+2
Hide 3D+2

Strength 3D

Technical 4D
Robot interface/Repair 5D (a.k.a. "First Aid" for Parchesi!)

Psionics 0

Move 10
Amarax 1
Necro Dream 0
Character Points 5
Code: Fuga
Equipment: Tool kit, 10 kublars
 

Quote: "I may be just a pile of bolts and circuits, but damnit, I'm still the pilot on this ship!  -- Uh, this life boat...  Anyway, I say we hightail it out of here."

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Parchesi played by Crow T. Robot.Image

Parchesi is a squat little robot, its upper sections quite similar to that of a typical servant robot, but perched on three articulated legs spread around a central castor instead of a hover platform or ground threads.  Its metal is dull and scratched , and while Parchesi is very careful to keep itself at peak levels of operability, it takes no cares of its appearance.  Its reasoning is that looking like a valuable piece of equipment would not make its robotic life any easier.

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Story

Yeah, I know it's a stupid name, you think I picked it?  Hand me another TCE Special and shut up,  you protoplasm-kisser.

Yeah, Parchesi, that's me.  Can you believe a fine piece of technology like me was first acquired as a game for a moronic little aristo?  My first owner, or rather the wretched idiot that spawned the little brat, was one of those born aristos, the son of a Maganat who grew up rich and had no conception of ever using his brain cells for anything more complicated than choosing clothing.  Whenever he bought anything, he would just picked what was fashionable and most expensive, regardless of actual value.  Well, I was a top-of-the-line, one of a kind, custom-install little marvel of a robot, so it would have made sense to purchase me - except that he was just buying me as a toy, a game platform for his own idiotic three-year old son.  A piece of work like me!  A toddler's toy!  He had me loaded with the newest and hippest game software for ages 2 to 12, and left me in the nursery.  He was, after all, the same idiot who had bought all the newest pro gear for gravskiball, including the competition-quality frictionless suit, the hollow-core extruded carbon hoverskis, the HUD goggles and what have you, only to try the game once and discover he didn't like it.

So I'm stuck with this kid, right?  You'd think he might at least get interested in my educational games, or my F/X palette, or SOMEthing.  Well, no.  You guessed it, he got hooked on Parchesi.  Thought it was the neatest game in the whole universe, not because he understood it but he like the little playing pieces.  Called them his polka-dots.  I guess I should be thankfull he didn't call me Polk or Dot or something.  Anyway, that's what he liked, at least at age three.  He got into the other games too as he grew up, but by the time he was eight, well...  He wanted a "newer model", started calling me "Cheesy".  Said my 3D displays weren't realistic enough (how realistic is a dragon, I ask you?), I couldn't run the games fast enough (he had to wait 0.3 milliseconds while I switched programs), I didn't look "design" enough...  "Design"???  What in paleo-Christ's name is that supposed to mean?  Anyway, he got his dad to buy him a newer model, end of story for me.  I was going to be powered down and stored in a closet with his baby skinsuit and his gravcrib.

That didn't sound like a fun plan to me.  A machine of my caliber should get a bit more out of service life!  But the kid's dad being such a moron, I had never been properly imprinted upon purchase, so I didn't have any hang-ups about ownership.  I didn't waste too much time busting out of that joint.  No, don't ask - all I can say is, to this day, I can't look a waste recycling 'bot in the visual processors without risking a short.

Fortunately for me, I was still top-of-the-line equipment in most circles, those that aren't flooded in kublars, that is.  All I had to do was go down a few levels.  I managed to trade the stupid game software for upgrades and more useful programs.  I made sure I had my bases covered by acquiring a piloting package that lets me earn a living.  Since then, I've been making my way around.  I've found that it's often best to hang with a human, so the other protoplasmic blobs assume he's your owner.  Naturally, I try to pick humans that are big and mean enough to keep others away, but dumb enough to be easily led around.

What?  What?  Why are you staring at me like that, you one of those saps who kiss human waste evacuation aperture for breakfast?  I didn't...  Uh?  What, behind me?...

...

Oh...  Sir...  Your Excellency, Sir...  Ow!  Ow!  No!  Not the sensor cluster!  Not the...   <kkrrsshhh...>
 

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Credits: The picture is actually Crow T. Robot, obtained from the MST3K site.  Used without permission, no copyright challenge intended.  This page property of Techno-Pope Lady Jen'yfahr of Ramezay who says: "Talk to the hand, not to the face."  All pictures are the property of their authors.  No challenge is implied by use, credits are indicated, any picture to which to author objects will be promptly removed.  Web page designed and maintained by Technopriestess Anemone von Frickenmeen.

Last updated April 4, 2002.