Legends:

Funnies

Zato-I-Troll

When Evan discussed playing a blind Troll beastmaster, some were a litle surprised.  But Sophie, remembering several famous blind characters in literature and movies, was full of "helpful" suggestions.  Here is the scene she pictured ("Misery Rock" was the working name for Cairgorm Druze at the time):

[Zato-I-Troll]: "So, brave companions, what is going on? I hear a lot of scuffing and shuffling. Are we under attack?"

[Kata]: "Um, well... Hold on a minute -- ELDAN! What the Scourge do you think you're doing??"

[Zato-I-Troll]: "What's going on??"

[Kata]: "We, uh, there's a... a small problem..."

[Eldan]: "I can take it! The big one in the middle is mine!" *TONK!* TWANNNGGG!*

[Zato-I-Troll]: "Is Eldan hurt? I smell blood..."

[Ka'El]: "Ouch. Stingee."

[Misery Rock]: "Better hurry while the thing's busy -- oops, too late."

[Zato-I-Troll]: "WHAT? WHAT?"

[Kata]: "Um, Zato, it's a... a large squirrel. We need..."

[Ka'El]: "More like a small Behemoth. Run!!"

[Kata]: "Hush, hairless ape. Well, maybe more like a badger or something. Anyway, Zato ol' buddy, we need a Beastmaster. Just step up right here... No, a few steps forward... Good."

[Zato-I-Troll]: "Heeeere, little badger..."

[Kata]: "OK, guys, RUN!!!"

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The Magical, Formidable Shrew

Evan asked is his character Hantar the beastmaster could befriend and train a magical creature.  Jenifer (Cairgorm's player) cautioned him: "Careful! You KNOW the GM is thinking up Hantar and his magical, formidable shrew!  Picture it now:"

Hantar: "Oh YEAH!? Well wait until you meet my magic beast! He will gnaw on your bones! Lemme just get him out of my pocket...."

Magical Shrew: "Squeak!"

Hantar, holding up the magical shrew: "Fear his sharp, pointy teeth! And magical... shrew... abilities... What are your magical abilities?"

Magical Shrew: "I can tell you where Eldan is at any time."

Hantar: "Great."

Eldan: "FRICKIN' MAGICAL SHREW!"

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Hantar's Karma Ritual

Then the GM, Edmund, asked all players to write up their characters' karma ritual for an extra credit (read: Legend Point) assignment.  Evan's involved a temporary empathic link with animals around him, in which Hantar would join the coolest creature around in whatever activity s/he was engaging in at the time.  Edmund commented: "This has amusing possibilities during ruffled grouse mating season. Not to mention elk mating season —"

SCENE: The citadel at Erengazor. ELDAN, KATA, CAIRNGORM, and TYLEE are playing cards

ELDAN: "OK, this round is triple backhand with plums tall and apricots wide."

KATA: "What?"

TYLEE: "Do we HAVE to play with these stupid cards, they're huge!"

CAIRNGORM: "I find them rather hard to manipulate myself."

ELDAN: "Relax, relax!  It's a simple game!  I only suggested wagering to keep your attention while we learn!"

The door opens and HANTAR falls into the room.  He is soaked in foul smelling urine, covered in mud and grass, and is bleeding from several places on his head.  SQUALL peeks his head into the room, whimpers mournfully, then runs off.

TYLEE: "Ack!"

CAIRNGORM: "Oh.  Dear."

KATA: "Oh for the sake of the Passions - Eldan!"

ELDAN: "Hey, it wasn't me!  This time."

HANTAR: "Um.  Hi —"

ELDAN: "Man, you stink!  What did you fall in the outhouse again?" *Snicker*

KATA: "Eldan!"

ELDAN: "What?"

CAIRNGORM: "You appear injured.  Do you require assistance?"

TYLEE *flies around the room, frantically opening windows*

HANTAR: "No, I was just participating in my karma ritual.  It was GREAT.  I made contact with this beautiful 12-point bull elk.  I could feel his thoughts, it was like I was one with him."

TYLEE: *perches on windowsill and begins fanning wings to circulate air into the room*  "And while you were doing that you fell into the privy?"

CAIRNGORM: "We really should paint the building a more eye-catching color so he can see it better."

HANTAR: "No no no!  It's not like that.  The buck was engaging in a mating ritual for a beautiful doe, and I got to compete with him!  We butted heads, pawed the earth, and wrestled.  Of course I didn't want to use Claw Shape or anything that would really hurt him, so that gave him an advantage."

ELDAN: "So you got your ass handed to you by a dumb animal?  Bwa ha ha!"

KATA: "Eldan, shut UP!  OK, so the buck managed to beat you.  That doesn't explain the... um...."

ELDAN: "The fact that you're covered in piss, dude!"

KATA, TYLEE, and CAIRNGORM: "Eldan!"

ELDAN: "What?  He is!"

HANTAR: "Well, as part of the mating ritual, the winning buck will urinate on the loser if he can, marking him as weak so that the members of his harem know not to mate with him.  It was amazing!  I really got caught up in the whole thing."

TYLEE: "That's great Hantar.  Sounds like it was a good experience for you.  The horse trough is outside though."

HANTAR: "Oh.  Yeah.  Of course.  Sorry.  Be right back."

HANTAR exits the door.  From outside there is the sound of splashing and a long, sad howl from SQUALL.

ELDAN: "That guy is one sick puppy!  I mean, what if he'd WON?"

CAIRNGORM: "Beastmasters have a strange perspective."

TYLEE: "Says the rock guy."

KATA: "I'll still take his karma rituals over Eldan's."

ELDAN: "What's wrong with my karma ritual?"

KATA: "Any karma ritual that involves stealing stuff out of my room seems pretty off-kilter to me."

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Survival

Wilderness survival rules, as interpreted by Jen.

Day One: Eat rations bought will all of our money

Day Two: Rations gone . Try to find bugs.  Ooops, no one has bug/plant finding skill.  Begin starving.

Day Three: Continue starving, Eldon sandwiches look pretty good now.

Day Four: Eldan sandwiches with horror tainted twigs wrapped in horror tainted bark.  Yum yum.  Roll for gag reflex.

Day Five: More "Eldan made it so it must be edible" sandwiches, roll for stomach cramps and vomiting.

Day Six: Everyone is having to roll for their final stun/physical damage boxes due to the sandwiches.

Day Seven: Reroll your characters.

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Talent vs. Skill

TYPICAL LECTURE IN BOW (the skill)

"All right - legs slightly bent, hold the bow steady. Keep the arrow knocked. Now draw back slowly, slowly. Draw a bead on the target. Be sure to lead a bit for the wind. Steady. Steady. Release! Hmmm. Well, a nice effort, and at least we'll have goat meat for dinner. Now pick up those two buckets full of rocks, hold them out at your sides, and walk around the field- we need to strengthen those arms of yours."

TYPICAL LECTURE IN BOW (the talent)

"All right, feel the magical thread connecting you to the bow, the bow to the arrow, the arrow to the target, the target to the universe, the universe to a grain of sand. Take that thread, draw it to you, now imagine it forming a perfect arc, like the side of a grape. Or perhaps a canteloupe. Whichever. Imagine that arc stretching towards... what? No, you don't actually get to HOLD a bow yet. That comes much later when you have achieved enlightenment. Now close your eyes, picture an arrow, and hold that picture in your mind as you meditate - we need to strengthen your mystic connection."

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Tylee the Studly Windling

By Edmund.  Sung to the tune of "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer".

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