Fiction, Funnies, and Songs:

Theus and Lucas

A personal encounter with Divinity

[Theus stands 548 meters tall and looks like a cross between Ed and Denzel Washington.  Theus is built like a brick @#&%house.  He wears flowing robes, a cowboy hat with cat hair all over it, and raybans, and holds a a Prophet's Cross in one hand, and a bunch of dice in the other.  He is frequently depicted throwing these dice at hapless player characters.  Theus' dice are about the size of mid-sized automobiles.  All of them are d10s.]

[The whole party, plus Armin (who is holding two empty halves of coconut for some reason), is standing in a square in downtown Frieberg, staring up at the huge figure of Ed & Denzel's love child.]

Lucas: (pleadingly) Can I go back to Castille?

Theus: No!

Lucas: Can I have my girlfriend back?

Theus: No!

Lucas: Can she at least stop slapping me?

Theus: No!

[Lucas thinks for a minute]

Lucas: Can I have some decent new clothes and a party that isn't a disaster for once?

Theus: What's the matter with you?!  NO!!

Lucas: How about just the new clothes, then?

[Theus, a disgusted expression on his face, waves his hand.  There is a loud "Boiiinnnnggg" sound.]

Lucas: JESUS CHRIST!!!

All: Run away!!  Run away!!

[All run away except Armin, who stands staring up into the sky.  A ten-sider the size of a mid-sized automobile falls onto him, crushing him utterly.]

Return to top