Title
Aldana Steel

Fiction, Funnies, and Songs:

Peace Negotiations

TRANSCRIPT OF PEACE NEGOTIATIONS

WILMA PROBST - "Thank you all for attending this important conference.  Peace between the Montaigne and the Ussurans is a worthy goal and..."

USSURAN AMBASSADOR  - "YOU MONTAIGNE PIGS WILL LEAVE USSURA AT ONCE OR THE WRATH OF THE MATUSHKA WILL FALL UPON YOU!"

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR - "Oh like she's just been goofing off so far?  Is that what you're saying?  What the hell do you call the 14 feet of freezing sleet that fell on us the other day - dandruff?  And WE ARE leaving!  We are HAPPY to be leaving!  We would have left already if some idiot hadn't burned all the ships we had to take us home!  Just give us ships and we'll be out of your damned country!"

USSURAN AMBASSASOR - "We will give you nothing but death, invader!"

WILMA PROBST - "Um, yes.  Well, I can see that we have plenty to talk about during our talks, but the details can..."

NICKLAUS TRAGUE:  "Why...  why...  why do YOU want to kill them anyway?  Is it because they did something bad to you?"

USSURAN AMBASSADOR "They invaded our land, killed our peasants, burned our farms, had nonconsensual sexual relations with our livestock..."

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR - "Hey!"

NICKLAUS TRAGUE:  "But by killing them aren't you just doing bad things too?  Aren't you just as evil as they are?  Does Theus approve of this evil you do?  Or are you confused by your Matushka?"

USSURAN AMBASSADOR - "Don't dis the Matushka, you Eisen drunkard!"

LOGAN SIEGER - "You just don't understand the Eisenfurst!  He's not just a drunkard - he is a great philosopher and..."

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR - "If he breathes on that candle, the whole room will go up."

WILMA PROBST - "In any event, we have laid out a buffet here at the Watchturn in order to welcome you to Freiburg.  If you would..."

REDMUND ERHARDT - "Did someone" *PUFF PUFF* "mention" *PUFF PUFF* "food?"

USSURAN AMBASSADOR - "UNDEAD!  Abomination!  Spawn of Legion!  Call the Guard at once!"

WILMA PROBST - "Uh, we can't.  Budget cuts.  We had to lay them all off."

REDMUND ERHARDT - "I just wanted a canapé..."  *braap*

NICKLAUS TRAGUE - "So.  You're undead.  Were you brought back by Legion?  Or was it Theus' will?  Or your own will?"  (Proffers bottle)  "Drink?"

REDMUND ERHARDT - "Not even now that I'm dead will I risk a drink of that stuff."  *pffft*

WILMA PROBST - "In ANY event we should now head for the Watchturn for some refreshments."

USSURAN AMBASSADOR - "I will not go near that abominable creation of the Syrneth!  It is an affront to Theus!"

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR - "Oh, like hanging out with some magical hag is JUST what the Third Prophet had in mind!"

USSURAN AMBASSADOR - "First of all, the Third Prophet was a FALSE Prophet, just like the second one!  Also, those who live in a nation who locked up their clergy expressly so they could go around ripping bleeding holes in the fabric of reality itself without getting in trouble have no business being so snooty!"

NICKLAUS TRAGUE - "NOW you are beginning to get it.  Theus is corrupt - evil!  You should all throw him out.  Humanity is better off without Theus."

MONTAIGNE AND USSURAN AMBASSADORS - "SHUT UP!"

WILMA PROBST - "On that note of harmony, let us adjourn to..."

LOGAN SIEGER - "Don't tell the Eisenfurst to shut up!  He's a GREAT MAN!"

NICKLAUS TRAGUE:  *BURP*

REDMUND ERHARDT - "Damn it, Logan!" *brapppp* "Just when we were getting closer to the buffet!"

WILMA PROBST - "Redmund, without meaning to offend, I should point out that you are not invited to the buffet."

REDMUND ERHARDT - "WHAT?  Why not?"

WILMA PROBST - "Well, it's because..."

NICKLAUS TRAGUE - "It's because you're dead, you bloated abomination!"

REDMUND ERHARDT - "But I still have lots of money.  You could afford to rehire the City Guard."  *gurgle*  *decompose*

WILMA PROBST - "Well then, that's different."

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR - "You are expecting me to share a buffet with an undead monster?  A FAT undead monster?  A FAT undead monster who doesn't even have the decency to dress in current fashion?  Never!"

USSURAN AMBASSADOR - "Wimp.  Why, back in Ussura we don't let such little things bother us.  We know that the Matushka will protect us from harm."

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR - "She sure hasn't protected you from Montegue!"

USSURAN AMBASSADOR - "WHAT!  Why, you filthy...  GRAAAA!"  USSURAN AMBASSADOR turns into a large bear and attacks MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR.

MONTAIGNE AMBASSADOR (drawing sword) - "Have at you, filthy woodland creature!"

A huge battle ensues in which the two ambassadors ultimately slay one another.

WILMA PROBST - *SIGH* "What a mess."

LOGAN SIEGER - "The Eisenfurst is NOT a mess!  He is a great man and...  oh, you were talking about THEM, weren't you?"

WILMA PROBST - *SIGH* "Yes, Logan.  Yes, I was."

REDMUND ERHARDT - *rot* *leak* "Here's a large sum of money.  Can I go to the buffet now?" *outgas*

WILMA PROBST - *SIGH* "Yes, by all means do so.  Knock yourself out."

NICKLAUS TRAGUE - "What does it mean that we are now having buffets for undead?  Is Freiburg becoming a place of evil?  Are you letting him eat at the buffet because you think its the right thing to do, or are you merely moving the problem posed by having a lard-assed undead monster from one locale to another, taking the easy way out?"

WILMA PROBST - "Herr Eisenfurst, with respect, shut the fuck up before I break that bottle over your head and stop skimming money from our treasury to buy you more, forcing you to dry out and maybe actually do something for a change."

LOGAN SIEGER - "Wilma, you just don't appreciate the true genius of the Eisenfurst."

NICKLAUS TRAGUE - "I just want attention...."

WILMA PROBST - "What a day.  How could things get any worse?"

VASYA WILHELM - "Fraulein Probst!  Things have just gotten worse!"

WILMA PROBST - "How?  How can things get worse?  We have an undead in the buffet, the only thing that the peace talks have accomplished is to net us a Bearskin rug and a Puzzle Sword to hang over the fireplace.  Plus, I yelled at the Eisenfurst, so now I am going to hear about it from Logan for the next week AND the Eisenfurst will be all whiny.  How could things possibly get any worse?"

VASYA WILHELM - "The City Guard has spotted a group of individuals moving towards Freiburg.  We believe they may be...  PLAYER CHARACTERS!"

LOGAN SIEGER "Oh NO!  We just got rid of the last bunch!  What will we do?"

NICKLAUS TRAGUE - I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm going bungee jumping from the top of the Watchturn!"

WILMA PROBST - "Another day in Freiburg...."
 

Notes:

Edmund produced this piece after being inspired by a teaser for a 7th Sea live-action role-playing game to be held at GenCon 2002.

Original Ad:

5027 7th Sea, Red Right Hand 8/9/2002 12:00 8/9/2002 16:00 7th Sea, a world where mystery, magic, and high adventure rein supreme. The city of Friburg is hosting a peace negotiation between Montaigne and Ussuria. So if youve got your sword ready, and there's a chandelier to swing from, let's start the action! A-2 $ 3.00 50 Millenium Interactive Gaming

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Credits:  © Edmund Metheny, 2002.