by Sophie Lagacé
(Advice given by the Matushka to Baronet Vlad Nikolovich, to the tune of Paul Simon's "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover")
"The problem is in the Gaius' head", she said to me
The answer is easy but you had better hurry
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your boyar
She said "It's really not my habit to be kind
Furthermore I hope my meaning won't be lost on humankind
So I repeat myself, for your feeble mortal mind
There must be fifty ways to leave your boyar, fifty ways to leave your boyar"
Just slip out the back, Diak, make a new plan, Ivan
Don't need to be bad, Vlad, just listen to me
Hop on the ship, Filip, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Yuri, and get yourself free
She said "It grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish Ilya Grozny hadn't sent that archer in Eisen"
I said, I appreciate that, but would you please explain about the fifty ways
She said, "Why don't you boar just sleep on it tonight
And I believe, in the morning you'll be able to change shape"
Though out of Drama Dice, I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your boyar, fifty ways to leave your boyar
Just slip out the back, Diak, make a new plan, Ivan
Don't need to be bad, Vlad, just listen to me
Hop on the ship, Filip, don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Yuri, and get yourself free
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Credits: Alternate lyrics © Sophie Lagacé, 2002.