Fiction, Funnies, and Songs:

Mistaken Identity

– Edmund, apparently on a slow day at the office

An impromptu trip to Cathay

FERDINAND:  Lucas, you, Don Juan, Melisandre, Mendoza and ... I leap out of the rabbit, taking the Emperor by surprise...

LUCAS:  "Ha HA!  M. l'Empereur!  Now you will face the wrath of Castille and...  hey! This isn't Montaigne!  And who's that little guy in the fancy bathrobe with the slanty eyes?"

HANTEI:  (In Rokugani)  "Guards - castrate them!"

MELISANDRE:  "Hey!  No fair!  I don't speak Cathayan yet.  How many X.P. would that cost?"

DON JUAN:  "Back off or you will feel my claw!"  (Brandishes claw)

GUARDS:  (In Rokugani) "The Crab Clan is attacking the Emperor!"

CRANE COURTIERS (in Rokugani) "And they are hiring icky Gaijin!  Have they no shame?"

HANTEI (in Rokugani):  "Eeeeeeeew!  Kill them!"

(Emperor's Guard charges party.  Ferdinand charges Emperor's Guard)

FERDINAND:  "AAAARGH!"  (WHACK!)  "Hey!  These guys aren't Brutes!"

MENDOZA (becomes highly unobtrusive)

LUCAS:  "Where did the butler go?  It's so hard to find good help during a swordfight!"

JUAN (lighting rapier on fire):  "Lucas, isn't that concubine over there your girlfriend?" (snicker)

LUCAS:  "Where?"  (WHACK!)  "OW!  Darn it, Juan, don't DO THAT!"

GUARDS (in Rokugani):  "Hey!  These guys are tough!  I just hit mine pretty good and he isn't even down dice!  They must be oni!"

MELISANDRE:  "Um, parlez-vous Montaigne?  Sprechen sie Eisen?"

HANTEI:  (in Rokugani) "One of them is casting a spell!"

MELISANDRE:  "Wait!  Wait!  I'm a Doctor!  And I have above average looks!  Hey!  No fair!" (WHACK!) "OWCH!  Quit it!"

MENDOZA:  (begins unobtrusively carrying a tea set out of the room)

CRANE COURTIERS (in Rokugani):  "Spirits of Lord Moon have possessed the tea set!"

MENDOZA:  "Oh crap!"

FERDINAND:  (HACK!  SLASH!  HACK!  SLASH!  IMPALE!  DISMEMBER!  MUTILATE!)  "These guys sure go down easy.  I think they all have a Resolve of 1 or 2!"

JUAN (brandishing his flaming rapier) "Everyone just knock it off or I'll torch this whole place and...  hey!  This place is made out of paper!"  (Sword goes out.  Juan stares at it for a moment).  "Light!  LIGHT!  Damnit, I said light!"

PHOENIX SHUGENJA (voiceover in Rokugani):  "Never try to out-magic the Phoenix!"

JUAN:  "Quick!  Back to that big, rabbit-shaped Syrneth artifact we got here in!"

LUCAS:  (PARRY, FEINT, THRUST, PARRY, DODGE) "I'm fine!  Everything's fine!  I don't need any..." (WHACK!) "Ouch!...  help."

MELISANDRE:  "Well, I'm not leaving until he does!"

FERDINAND:  "Me either!  Even though he treats me like a Legion-spawned scum, I still can't bring myself to abandon him!"

MENDOZA (being chased around the throne by about a dozen guards) "Hey, everything's under control over here!  Why do we need to leave anyway?  I'm just getting warmed up!"

JUAN (sighs)  "Why am I not surprised?"

LUCAS:  "Because you bought a Virtue, not a Hubris!  But if you had just gone for a Hubris and spent the points on Ambush you could have..."  (WHACK!) (Lucas gets blindsided)  "OW!  I'm fine!  I'm fine!  No trouble!  I don't need any help!"

FERDINAND:  "Owch.  Stingee."

LUCAS:  "STOP SAYING THAT!"

HANTEI (in Rokugani) "Hey!  That one is kind of cute!"

CRANE COURTIERS (in Rokugani) "What, the one with the claw?"

HANTEI (in Rokugani):  "No you idiots!  Not the one with the claw!  The girl!  Capture her at once!  I want her for a concubine!"

CRANE COURTIERS (in Rokugani):  "Our monopoly is threatened!  Doji saboteurs, slay the woman at once!"

(SEVERAL HIDDEN PANELS SLIDE OPEN AND NUMEROUS PEOPLE IN LIGHT BLUE NINJA GARB STEP OUT AND BEGIN HURLING SHURIKEN AT MELISANDRE)

MELISANDRE (dodging shruiken left and right):  "Hey!  Watch it!  Stop that!  Eep!  OUCH!"  (gets hit by a shuriken).  "THATS IT!  THAT'S IT!  POOF, THERE'S A WEAPON!"

(Melisandre holds out a hand.  Nothing happens.  Blue garbed ninjas stare at her curiously.  One snickers).

MELISANDRE:  "Oh yeah?"  (draws rapier).  "HA!"  (begins pursuing blue clad ninjas around room)

DOJI SABOTEURS (in Rokugani):  "Hey!  She's fighting back!  She has a weapon!  Doesn't she realize that we are CRANES?  We might get HURT!  Shriek!  Shriek!  Hantei, save us!  Make the mean Gaijin stop attacking us!  HEEEEEEEELP!"

JUAN (Stabbing another Guard):  "Lucas, there are too many of them!  We're going to get overwhelmed!"

LUCAS:  "No we aren't!"

JUAN:  "Yes we are!"

LUCAS:  "No we aren't!"

HANTEI (in Rokugani):  "These guys are tough!  Quickly, summon the Isawa Friends and the Ryoko Owari magistrates!  They're the only hope we have left!  ACK!"  (Hantei crumples as Mendoza whacks him in the head with a tea set).

MENDOZA:  "I love being unobtrusive!"

JUAN:  "Yes we are!"

LUCAS:  "No we aren't!"

FERDINAND:  "I can't kill more than another 30 or 40 before my sword gets blunt!"

(As Ferdinand speaks one of the guards sneaks up behind him and prepares to cleave him in twain.  The guard is distracted, however, when a small, one-eyed weiner dog comes out of nowhere and bites him on the butt.  Ferdinand turns and cleaves the guard, before giving the 'thumbs up' to the dog.)

FERDINAND:  "Thanks, Tiny Lucas!"

TINY LUCAS:  "Arf!"

LUCAS:  "No we...  Tiny WHO?"  (WHACK!)  "Ouch!  Oo!  Room spinning!  Pretty stars!  Hello Veronica!  Would you like to dance?"

GUARDS (in Rokugani):  "I think we have finally wounded one!  And we have only lost a quarter of the guard!  BANZAI!"

JUAN:  "Melisandre!  Lucas is hurt!"

MELISANDRE (still chasing blue ninjas) "I'm BUSY!  Tell him to take two leeches and call me in the morning!"

JUAN:  "How are we going to get out of this?  There seems to be no end to these people!"

(On cue there is a tremendeous crash and the Maris Stella falls through the ceiling into the throne room.  Screaming Castillian Marines and Eisen mercenaries, led by Constanza, pour over the side and engage the guard)

CONSTANZA:  "Climb aboard!  We're getting out of here!"

JUAN, MELISANDRE, FERDINAND, MENDOZA:  "What in the name of Theus?"

GUARDS (in Rokugani):  "Aw!  We were winning!  No fair!  We were winning!"

CONSTANZA:  "No time to explain!  Just get aboard!  King Sandoval needs you!"

LUCAS:  "Look at the pretty ship!  Pretty ship!  Ooglie ooglie oo!  Can't go!  Don't...  need...  help!  I'm...  just...  f.... f...  fine!"

FERDINAND:  "DOG PILE ON LUCAS!"

(CONSTANZA, FERDINAND, MELISANDRE, JUAN, and TINY LUCAS all pile on LUCAS and haul him aboard)

JUAN:  "All right, we're aboard!  Now how do we get out of here?"

CONSTANZA:  "Watch!"

(CONSTANZA pushes a button and the Maris Stella transformes into a giant humanoid robot)

CRANE COURTIERS (in Rokugani):  "Hey!  That's a GREAT idea!  We need to make some of those!"

(The Maris Stella flies out through a hole in the roof)

FADE OUT

FADE IN

(The Maris Stella floats along under sail)

FERDINAND:  "So let me get this straight...  ANOTHER Syrneth artifact?  How many times is this going to be used as a plot device?"

CONSTANZA:  "I wouldn't complain if I were you.  It's saved your neck at least once!"

JUAN:  "Yeah Ferd, don't lose your head over it!"

MELISANDRE:  "Hey!  I just realized!  We forgot Mendoza!"

MENDOZA:  "No, I'm right here."

MELISANDRE:  "ACK!  Stop that!"

*The END.*

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