Fiction, Funnies, and Songs:

Flattened Out!

Edmund turns the heroes into cards

We have no clue whether this is good or bad and we're not entirely sure what it means in plain language.  Edmund cranked our characters through the conversion system found in the (stupid) AEG Waves of Blood supplement and this is the result:
 

CAPTAIN CONSTANZA ALDANA Y ORDUÑO

STARTING WEALTH:  6

Cannoning:  0
Sailing:  2
Adventuring:  1
Influence:  3
Swashbuckling:  3

Traits:  Holy

May recruit one crew from any faction at normal cost.

"What are those funny metal things mounted on the deck?"
 

DON LUCAS ALDANA DE ALDANA

Influence Cost:  3

Cannoning:  0
Sailing:  0
Adventuring:  0
Influence:  3
Swashbuckling:  4

Act:  Tack this crew to target a Holy crew in this sea.  Tack that crew.

The cost to attach "Aldana School" to this crew is zero.

"The salt water has ruined my latest court outfit!"
 

DON JUAN GALLEGOS DE ORDUÑO

Influence Cost:  2

Cannoning:  0
Sailing: 1
Adventuring:  0
Influence:  2
Swashbuckling:  2

Traits:  Holy

React: tack this crew instead of performing a Boarding attack.  Target and discard one Ship attachment, Captain attachment, or Crew attachment on a Ship in this Boarding.

May equip with "Claw of the Thalusai" at 0 cost.

"Even the ocean cannot put out my flames!"
 

FERDINAND DE LA REINA DEL MAR

Influence Cost:  5

Cannoning:  0
Sailing: 0
Adventuring:  2
Influence:  0
Swashbuckling:  5

Traits:  Heroic

Draw one card when this card is pushed forward during a Boarding Action or Duel.  This crew absorbs one extra hit when tacked to absorb hits.

When sunk for the first time flip a coin.  Heads - the character gains the trait "Holy".  Tails - the character gains the trait "Undead" and no longer counts against the crew maximum of the ship.

May equip with the "Tiny Lucas the Weiner Dog" card at 0 cost.

"AAAAARGH!"
 

DOÑA MELISANDRE DE RAMIREZ

Influence Cost:  3

Cannoning:  0
Sailing:  0
Adventuring: 0
Influence:  3
Swashbuckling:  2

When this card tacks to produce influence you may discard any card in your hand to produce one more Influence.

Once per game, tack this card to prevent another crew from being sunk.

"This is going to cost you another excellent dinner somewhere, you know!"
 

MENDOZA

Influence Cost:  3

Cannoning:  0
Sailing:  0
Adventuring:  1
Influence:  1
Swashbuckling:  3

React:  when this crew inflicts Hits with a boarding attack, tack the crew and discard one card from your hand to increase the number of Hits by one.

Does not count against the Crew limit of the ship.

"..."
 

TINY LUCAS THE WEINER DOG (crew attachment)

Cost:  5

Sink this card any time to tack one crew member in the same sea, or sink one crew in the same sea named Lucas.

"Thanks, Tiny Lucas!"

"Arf!"

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