– by Sophie and Edmund, wasting more time.
Lévesque d'Aur: "I'm so bored -- Theus' blood, but I'm bored!"
Bascalle: "No cussing, please. But I know what you mean."
Erhart: "*burp* Yeah, I know! I had to give up on the repo plot for a while. Now that Teresa's dead too, I don't have anything left to do!"
Lévesque d'Aur: "Can't we... I don't know... Annoy someone?"
Erhart: "I just get this *burp* feeling that somehow I am not as *braap* important to the plot as I might *gurgle* once have been!
Bascalle: "What about the Castillans? I thought you were having fun."
Erhart: "*urp* See, that's it -- I made a deal with the dumb one -- the dumb one with the collar."
Lévesque d'Aur: "Yes, well, I've defeated the dumb one -- the dumb fatuous one -- AND kidnapped his woman AND sent her head back to him pickled in a jar and he still doesn't get it. It's no FUN!"
Erhart: *burp* "Waste of good wine if you ask me...."
Bascalle: "Well, that takes care of two, and we got rid of the dumb one -- the dumb Ussuran one -- so that leaves the claw guy and the hot chick."
Lévesque d'Aur and Ehrard, in chorus: "I want the CHICK!"
Bascalle: "Yes, well, I can see that leaves me very little to work with. The dumb one -- the dumb one with the claw -- is hardly ever even there to tease. But I may have an idea..."
Old Monk Guy: "Hey! The one with the claw is mine! Back off, pal!"
Bascalle: "Yeah, well, you can't touch him at the moment, so you lose, pal. I need that confession to nail Verdugo and I'm going to get it. I think 'Cardinal Bascalle' has a nice ring to it, don't you?"
Old Monk Guy: "He has powerful friends! Beware!"
Lévesque d'Aur: "Yeah, yeah, powerful friends! Whatever..." (Uses Porté sorcery to summon a dagger, which he uses to clean his nails.)
A faceless minion: "My lords, Herr Dedrick has returned."
Lévesque d'Aur (rolls his eyes): "Oh, yes, the tedious commoner..."
Tibold (shoves minion out of the way): "Ah, I see you started without me. Well, you'll be happy to know I bring our newest member..."
Erhart: "*brraaAAPP!* Stupid fucking henchman..."
Tibold: "...the Pösen ambassador."
Pösen ambassador: "SHUT UP!!! Stand UP when the Ambassador of the Mighty Eisenfürst Faüner Pösen arrives in your unworthy presence! Schneller, schweinehund!!!"
Lévesque d'Aur (makes gagging noise): "Oh, Theus' balls!"
Bascalle: "Look, if it's not too much to ask, could we get back to the matter of the Castillans?"
Pösen Ambassador (foaming at the mouth): "Exterminated! I will have them all exterminated!!! Und I am not a villain! I am a HERO! I only challenged the stupid Castillian to a duel because he is ein SCHWEIN!"
Doña Urraca: "Hi, boys!"
Everyone else: "URK!"
Doña Urraca: "The dumb one with the collar is mine." (points at Bascalle): "And unless you up your bid I am going to have to poison you because Verdugo pays more."
Bascalle: "Verdugo is soft! Weak! I would be a MUCH better Grand Inquisitor!"
Doña Urraca: "The money?"
Bascalle: "Um...." (aside to Erhard): "Redmund, I understand you are in funds. Isn't it time you paid your dues to the Brotherhood?"
Erhart: "Not 'nymore. *braaap* Had to pay off Fraülein Urraca's pet undead."
Doña Urraca: (aside) "Fat pig...."
Lévesque d'Aur: "By Theus, but I'm bored!"
Bascalle: "He isn't undead as long as he is useful."
Lévesque d'Aur: "Yes, well, he's dead above the neck, if you see what I mean."
Doña Urraca (mutters): "Below too..."
Tibold (with a snide grin): "Ooo, I can feel the tension here. How about a nice game to relax us all? Monopoly, anyone?"
Everyone else (glares)
Lévesque d'Aur: "Did I mention the neat way I skewered the snotty one in a duel?"
Everyone: "YES!!"
Lévesque d'Aur: "Well - um - anyway. He won't forget me any time in the near future!"
Tiboldt: "Oh yes, like sending him his girlfriend's head in a vat was not particularly memorable. I thought you Montaigne had more flair than that."
Doña Urraca: "Bet I can make him forget in one deep breath." (demonstrates)
Everyone else: "URK!"
Erhardt: "Did I mention that I have lots and lots of" *BRAAP* *URP* "money?"
Doña Urraca: "Really? How much?"
Ehrahrd: "Lots. And *buuuurppp* I'm single."
Doña Urraca: "Single, schmingle. How MUCH money?"
Bascalle: "DO YOU MIND??? We're supposed to conduct an official meeting here!!"
Doña Urraca (flips dagger and pins Bascalle by the mask to a wall): "Hush. Now then, how MUCH money?"
Erhart: *HUH* *HUH* *HUH* "LOTS of money!" *HUH* *HUH* "Oodles!"
Doña Urraca: "Well, you are about as attractive as a giant slug, so that will cost extra!"
Erhart (mumbles): "mblbmgthousand marks *BRAAAP* mumblm bmblmdracheneisen..."
Bascalle (perks up from where he's pinned) "Oh yeah?"
Tiboldt: "He poisoned his last girlfriend."
Doña Urraca: "True. That's worth at least another mark up."
Erhart (perks up too): "Oh, yeah, I can add another mark..."
Lévesque d'Aur: (chuckles) "Did I mention I took his sword?"
(Groans from around the room).
Old Monk Guy: "You are all as bad as they are! If we can't work together then how are we going to accomplish our evil goals? Our membership in NOM will be revoked!"
Lévesque d'Aur: "And just who is going to tell them?" (still cleaning his nails with dagger)
Old Monk Guy: "They just KNOW!" (cryptic music)
Lévesque d'Aur (startled): "Ouch! Theus damnit!" (puts his cut finger to his mouth) "Stop doing that stupid music thing!"
Old Monk Guy: "It is not my doing, it is the POWER OF THEUS!"
Bascalle: "I will be the judge of that."
Doña Urraca: "Only if you come up with some cash."
Erhart (turning purple) *HUH* *HUH* "Cash!" *HUH* *HUH*
Bascalle: "Look, woman, I can get your Theus-be-damned cash AND the annoying Castillans! Now unhand me!"
Lévesque d'Aur (mutters): "Bet you're gay..."
Bascalle: "No, I'm not!"
Old Monk Guy: "This is a waste of time! I need to catch a ship to Vodacce so I can assassinate the dumb-one-with-the-claw's sister and piss him off some more! Can we get on with this?"
Lévesque d'Aur: "This... creature has a sister? You'll be doing Théah a favour by killing the ugly wench!" (shudders dramatically)
Old Monk Guy: "Of course I will! The blood of Legion runs through her veins! She carries the taint of the Bargain! She must be destroyed, along with her entire bloodline so that the curse of sorcery does not propagate!"
Lévesque d'Aur: "Watch it, old buzzard."
Tibold, curiously: "Does he always foam like that?"
Pösen Ambassador, admiringly: "Ja! Und zie eyes... Very gutt!"
Lévesque d'Aur (reaches through a bleeding hole in the universe to produce an apple, which he starts munching on): "Whatever...."
Tiboldt: "Hey, if you're a hero, what are you doing in our evil meeting?"
Pösen Ambassador: "NONE of your BUSINESS, schweinehund! Against the wall, PIG!"
Tiboldt (smiles): "As if...."
Lévesque d'Aur: "Don't sell him short, Dedrick..." (snicker)
Tiboldt (laughs): "I have no idea what you are talking about. Did you know that they actually BOUGHT that line for awhile? Ha! Ha!"
Erhart (a second late): "Hahaha! Good one! *BRAAACK*"
Bascalle: "JE-sus CROIST! Would you take an antacid or something?"
Old Monk Guy (staring): "Who?"
Doña Urraca: "You had better hope the guy with the claw never gets anywhere near you. He'd light your fat butt on fire and you'd explode!"
Erhart: "Um, does that mean that you *BURP* won't be going out with me? I have lots of money."
Doña Urraca: "Being flammable costs extra."
Erhart: "Rats!"
(Hushed shudder descends over the assembly. After a second:)
Lévesque d'Aur: "Poor Grüber..."
Pösen Ambassador: "He vas a fat schwein anway! Faüner Pösen could EASILY defeat him in battle!"
Doña Urraca: "Look, you're getting as boring as d'Aur with your old stories!"
Pösen ambassador: "How DARE you speak to me in such a manner! I challenge you to a... a... say, are those real?"
Doña Urraca: "Want to find out?"
Bascalle: "Look, about the Castillians...."
Lévesque d'Aur: "One's a Montaigne."
Erhart: "One's undead..."
Bascalle: "Yes, but he's still an undead CASTILLIAN!" (rubs a hand over his mask and massages the bridge of his nose.) "Look, it doesn't matter. My point is... my point is we can float our operation by recovering the money they took from our bright boy Redmund here, AND have some entertainment for Frère Jacques here, AND destroy their Legion-spawned existence so that their unpleasant end will cleanse Theus' creation and be a warning to all!" (runs out of breath.)
Pösen Ambassador: "Vat about me? Vat do I get out of zis?"
Tibold, looking bored: "They're worth more alive. And Mel... the cute girl is mine."
Erhart, Lévesque d'Aur, Pösen Ambassador: "Like HELL she is!"
Old Monk Guy (half a beat late): "...She 's not tainted, is she? 'Cause if she is, I can take care of her..."
Tibold, Erhart, Lévesque d'Aur, Pösen Ambassador, Bascalle: "NO!!" Doña Urraca rolls her eyes.
Bascalle (very quickly before anyone can argue): "Right, Tibold, you capture her and sell... select her fate. Ambassador, Jacques, you double-team the snotty one..."
Lévesque d'Aur, sulkily: "I just did that! I beat him! I stole his sword! It's no FUN anymore! Booooooring!"
Bascalle, through clenched teeth: "Fine. D'Aur, you take the guy with the claw. Wear something fireproof. Father Sidius, you take care of the Legion-spawned undead monstrosity, exorcise him or something. Doña Urraca..." (she gives him a cold glance) "You heave your bosom at the snotty one to distract him, he goes for that sort of thing." (Every other man in the room looks wistfully at the crime weapon.) "Then Redmund has him beaten to death. Ambassador, since you're a 'hero'" (snicker) "you can offer to help the snotty one, I know he'll just love that."
Doña Urraca: "So we do all the work and you -- do what? Collect the money and run? I don't think so."
Shouting erupts in the group and everyone starts arguing again. Angrily, Bascalle downs the rest of his drink in a swig, then suddenly starts choking. Doña Urraca looks at him with a small smile, sipping her own cup. He falls to the ground.
Doña Urraca: "Fellow members of the Brotherhood of Evil, I'm afraid Inquisitor Bascalle is indisposed right now and can no longer conduct this meeting, so I shall be taking over the rest of the proceedings tonight."
More shouting. Fisticuffs erupt, quickly followed by blades. Then the men start choking and falling one by one like Bascalle earlier. Doña Urraca sits and watches calmly. Eventually, everyone dies.
Doña Urraca: "If you want something done right, do it yours... *UCK!* *ACK!* *GASP!*" (She falls over.)
A man dressed in black leather and purple silk saunters in, humming a popular Vodacci tune. He pushes Erhart's body out of the way and sits at the table, pulls a plate of veal parmegiana and starts to eat, still humming.
*The END.*
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